Time Flies

I am just loving reading everyone's blogs. Most blogs seem to come from normal people who are using the forum to keep them honest, connect with others who are on the same journey and get the social support we ALL need at times to stay sane in this pursuit of health. And then there are other bloggers - none of whom I follow - who seem to just DITHER FOREVER. Lots of what seem like attempts but then - piffle. And that is OK, honestly it is. But I find myself getting sortof snotty when I read it.

I think I am projecting my own anxiety about starting the next diet phase of limited food choices and hunger and am must projecting it onto those people. Perhaps I worry that I will become one of those people. I am ambivalent about this next weight loss section because let's face it, weight loss SUCKS. It's never easy, it never allows you to just "eat what you want" unless you WANT diet food, which I do not. It asks you to be more active (and this is something I am truly and honestly dreading). I will have to drink more water. Sigh. I will have to increase regimentation, which I am absolutely able to do, but OH, I got so bored on HCG in the past that I admit I dread it.

I have been faithful to the program I started in early January, including taking six weeks off of the restrictive part and NOT lose more weight, but to consistently maintain it.

And those six weeks are drawing to a close.

And now I have to face the fact that 188 is NOT ALL THAT MUCH BETTER THAN 215 - well, OK it is, but not like others' losses of 100 pounds or more. I mean it's better than 300 or something, health wise, but let's face it: It's time to get ON with it. Jeez, I'm acting like I'm going to have to feel miserable and limited and whining forever. Hell what's another four to six weeks of hard HCG or less hard but longer Other More Reasonable plan?

SO, what program should I go on? The HCG plan is very do-able and extremely effective, but it's odious. I am considering Weight Watchers. I am also planning on asking Allan about his Challenge as well. What are all of you doing out there? Atkins? South Beach? Limiting calories and eating generally healthily?

I need to choose a program that allows for at least one pound and preferably two pounds per week weight loss. And I need to do it pretty damn soon.

Still Here

I'm in a boring place. I'm in this "maintain your weight" place and lo and behold, I'm maintaining it. If I drink margaritas with the pastor, then I have to watch my intake of food for a couple of days. That's it. It is gloriously boring.

But the six weeks are coming to an end and I am looking to drop another twenty pounds. Weirdly, this is becoming anxiety provoking. Dieting is fucking miserable at times. I am having anticipatory anxiety about it, which is stupid.

I am thinking - do I go back on Crazy HCG? Do I do Allan's challenge? If I can't have meat and chicken on Allan's challenge, then will I be sad? What program? I am comfy and not comfy where I am now. I am still too fat. But I'll admit, I'm not looking forward to the deprivation parts of any calorie restrictive program that I will have to do, if I'm headed down the scale.

ARG.

Oh well, enough whining. If this is my biggest problem, then I'm DAMN LUCKY. And the sun is sortof shining, and more snow is not predicted until tomorrow. And it's officially Spring, so hey, I'll start researching programs and let you know.

GP

Sugar Ingested. Ugh.

The Fucking Girl Scouts.

Well, OK it's not their fault. And it's not Darling Husband's fault. He tried to hide the box of cookies but I, with my unerring radar for cookies, found them. And then lickety split, ate two of them. The peanut butter kind. And had a large glass of delicious milk.

And about two hours later, I had the absolute worst headache of my entire life. It was horrible. Is that just a coincidence or is that sugar rushing in? This was on the heels of being at sweet Uncle George's birthday. He served his father in law's (who is Italian and about 85 years old) home made pizza. The father in law (Grandpa P) looked at all of us anxiously to see if we enjoyed it. I had one piece. It was fabulous. I was in Carb Heaven. And then the Polish Birthday Cake was served. I had a small piece. It was a home made thing of cinnamon and chocolate and flour and cocaine and money and sex and and and ... you get the drift. And then I came home and had those fucking Girl Scout Cookies.

And a headache.

I got on the scale and it was up a pound. That is OK given that I'm supposed to hang out at 190 for six weeks to "reset my metabolism" which I still wonder about. But OK, I'll hang.

Today was better. Ate poached eggs, a piece of wheat toast, delicious coffee with cream (not much but enough to make a point). Had a bite of friend's hash browns. Not impressed with the hash browns.

Then was full all day (duh with the carb fest of the day before, no wonder). And ate salad with scallops and my FAVORITE MISO DRESSING and a small bit of bacon crumble and asparagus and hearts of palm and saute' shallot and a zillion kinds of greens. And mushrooms.

I'm still full. Thank God I'm back on track. I actually prayed this morning to get some help with not having any more "food fuckery" as one of my favorite bloggers calls it.

I was disconcerted at falling off the wagon in this way. I wasn't having any particular leanings or cravings. I just impulsively said YEAH YOU BET and consumed like a hog a mite.

But today, we're back in the saddle.

I am just wondering what going back to a real diet will be like when the next two and a half weeks are up. I think I can do it. I'm not sure what "IT" will be, but I'm game to keep going!

But no more Fucking Girl Scout Cookies.

Besides, I was a Camp Fire Girl. We hated the Girl Scouts anyway.

Holding Steady Redux

It's a weird quiet period for me. I am truly holding steady with the 25 to 27 pounds I lost in that initial six weeks. It still is not hard at all. I keep thinking "Let's DIET HARD" but then I think "Well hell. This crazy plan worked for me - I need to stick to the plan, even if I'd rather just go nuts and diet like mad." In the end, perhaps learning to stay stable is as important as learning to take it off. I mean to say that I have to stop treating eating like a summer science project. This is a life long change for the better. So perhaps in the grand scheme of things, having to maintain a weight for six weeks not only "resets the metabolism" (allegedly, this truly may be a total bunch of bullshit) but it reminds me that this is how life is and will be forever.

And it's not hard.

I have been reading my favorite blog by Allan. This guy really gets it. He notes that Fat is like CANCER. I wholly concur in that a) fat is shown to increase cancer risk and b)fat, like cancer, will kill you. Period. I believe that this is a battle for health in the same way that a person with cancer battles for his or her life. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

And this is the program I've selected, so I'm on the thing, and it's working. I have maintained my loss. I am not hungry. I don't eat like a stupid idiot. I don't eat bad shit. I do drink a glass of wine, I will admit. I have also eaten a portion of bread per day (like a piece of whole wheat bread). No candy. No soda. No fucking fast food.

It is not hard.

I am intensely curious about why it WAS hard before? Is it just being unconscious for so long and then waking up? Is it something about finally growing up?

I don't know. But you can bet I'm damn grateful.

Preacher and his Sexy Wife (it just continues to kill me that I, the least religious person I know, have formed a happy friendship with these wonderfully intelligent and erudite and hilarious two folks) have invited us over for dinner. He said "Bring Dessert."

Recently, the concept of bringing dessert would have totally freaked me out. Now I am thinking "Sexy Preacher Wife is gluten intolerant. I'll bet there's something I can get her at Whole Foods." I have no urge or intention to eat the dessert. I never was much of a dessert person anyway. I'd rather eat cheese, for the same calorie exchange.

The menu for this evening? Chicken, Veggies and likely Potatoes or some starch, and Said Dessert. I have no urge for potatoes. I have a craving for Veggies (I KNOW! I HATE VEGGIES!!!)

This is not hard.

It's miraculous, but not hard.

Thanks to all of you whom I read for inspiration, lecture, appropriate shaming, and courage. And thanks to the couple of blogs I stalk to remind me what Pure Insanity is. This is a journey we all take. It's not hard, not really. Not anymore.

Beautiful

I have these girlfriends who are stunningly beautiful. It's not their fault. They can't help it. And they are as beautiful on the inside as they are on the outside. One is a ballet mistress who is just as lovely as a spring day. She's positive, happy, sensitive and really really smart. Oh and completely beautiful. And TINY of course. The other is a newscaster. My age (which is closer to 50 than 40) but you would never know it. Slender, perfect smile, and again, so so smart.

I just love spending time with both of them. And here's the thing - you know how all the thin and pretty girls in movies are supposed to be the ones who make the fat chick feel bad? I NEVER feel bad around them. They are so positive and upbeat and kindly, that you just forget your fatness and your double chins and simply CONNECT. And they have their own fears and hopes and worries. Including romantic ones. Sometimes I want to shake them and say, ARE YOU KIDDING? You are such a catch! How can you not see it? But I know what it's like to be lacking in hope or confidence in many areas and so I (I think wisely) shut my mouth.

Today I realized that my physically beautiful friends are that way both by luck but also by CHOICE. They take care of themselves with great responsibility. Today, I had lunch with my News Friend who ordered a salad and avoided most of the roll that came with it. She's not on a "diet" at all. She just eats that way. My other friend mentioned that when she had a bunch of carbs because of random events (like family gathering meals) she felt gross. She's CERTAINLY not on a diet. These women are not eating disordered. They do not focus on food or weight or appearance. Instead, they are respectful of their bodies and treat themselves well.

And the result? Beautiful. Inside and Out.

OK all, have a weekend in which you, too, treat yourself like the beautiful, valuable person we all know you are.

xoxo GP

The New Normal

Following program and holding steady, just as Dr. T requested. It's weird to be continuing on past the two month mark in weight loss, because I have always been a Good Time Charlie when it comes to lifestyle/eating issues - which is why I'm a hog-a-mite. When I walk away, it looks like two pigs fighting in a sack. But I digress.

So, I am dutifully eating my low carb, high protein food. And it's NOT a big deal at all. I slowly add in carbs - not too many - and see what the scale says. If I add in too many, the scale tells me to knock it off and I stop. I haven't had soda pop forever. I have learned to tolerate salad. It's weird, because it's not that weird at all. Sortof like learning to shop at Whole Foods and not feel like an impostor.

It's the New Normal. And I think I'm learning to like it quite a bit.

At least today, anyway.

TWENTY FIVE POUNDS

Finally. FINALLY. I have broken OUT of the 190s. You should have seen me do the scale dance last night when I got up to pee at 2 AM and then decided to weigh, because hey, why not just see if the scale has changed its mind since midnight (it hadn't). But this morning, 189.4! And there was much rejoicing!

I think I'm losing a bit more than I did in the last dreadful days of the limited calorie diet, and I'm a hell of a lot happier. I started eating breakfast again, which is just a wonderful thing if you had no breakfast for forty days. FORTY DAYS of low calories. I was wandering in the desert for FORTY DAYS and then Moses appeared and led me to the land of 1000 calories and I am much happier.

Dr. T said that I have a couple of choices: 1) I can maintain my weight for six weeks and then go back on HCG and so forth again or 2) I can just keep eating this normal diet, sans many carbs for six weeks and lose slowly. The Fat Jury is still out on that. I will see if, by eating healthily but not carbily, the weight stabilizes or not. If it does, then Hello HCG at the end of March. If I keep walking nicely down the Lard Hill then perhaps I'll just keep on walking until I plateau and, if desperate, consider another forty days in the food desert.

Either way, I am just glad that the first twenty five are gone. I would like to lose at least forty more, but when I think about it, it seems overwhelming. SO, I think about getting to a thirty pound loss. Hell, it's only 4 and a half pounds from here, right? I can do that. And at that point, then I'll only need thirty five more to get to a weight of 150 or so. Does anyone else play weird math games in their head like this?

As it is, here is what I ate yesterday:
eggs for breakfast
steak (small) plus salad for lunch
scallops and spinach for dinner
a breadstick (grissini - the HCG little wimpy kind) plus a teaspoon of almond butter for snack.
Tons of water, iced tea and even coffee.

Today, I had a big breakfast of an organic chicken sausage (150 cal) and one egg (70 cal) plus half a grapefruit (who know what calories. Grapefruit was a disappointment in taste btw) and again, my grissini plus teaspoon of almond butter.

At the suggestion of a friend on here, I banned peanut butter to the back shelf (as it is a legume, not a nut) and bought almond butter (which is just lovely - it's like inviting an elegant cousin who is an art dealer in new york to come for a visit, after you just showed your cousin from oklahoma who just got out of jail the door) AND cashew butter (which is like the cousin who has lived in the middle east for the past ten years who comes to visit you and kisses you on BOTH cheeks and it's not weird or affected at all).

NOTE: I have no cousins who are art dealers in new york or have lived in the middle east. I think everyone has a cousin who has been in jail, haven't they?

Still, I will have to go light on lunch as I am headed to a party tonight and will have to drink a vat of water in order to steel myself in the face of what will be excellent booze and even better snackies. But hey, it's just food. It's not like I'll never have access to a cheesy canapé again, right? Sometimes I forget that just because I am on a major diet for what will clearly be a (life)long period of time, it's not like they will say "HEY! She's finally gone! Let's lose the recipes for everything that has ever been even potentially delicious!" Jeez.

OK, off to think about cleaning the house (NOT), making a scarf (LIKELY) and other ways to avoid writing a report.

Keep that water flowing IN and OUT!