James Brown Live - Get up offa that thing

Eat a Damn Piece of Fruit. Just Eat It.

OK so check this out. The Fat Gorge Day yesterday was just gross. It was hard to do, which was weird. Ate pizza AND chicken wings for dinner, with apple juice. Today, 214.4. And feeling gross. So, since I don't have to be to work until 1:30 I went to the Whole Foods and shopped.

I always feel awkward in Whole Foods. This store is populated with people who LIKE vegetables and fruit. They really like it. They also like to do things like "run" and "bike" and "ski"... FOR FUN. The women have no makeup on and they look good. Like they just ran up a mountain and then came in for a tofu and watercress salad. I like to wear make-up. In the 1970's I put hot rollers in my hair Every. Single. Day. I want to be all nifty and natural, but then I can't stand it and want eyeliner.

And I hate fruits and vegetables. Honestly I really do. I have a host of food allergies. As a child I could not have citrus. I went to an allergist who said, after letting me in on the list of allergies I knew I had (all fur, all dust, all weeds, grasses and trees - I am not kidding), I also have allergies to raw broccoli, raw cauliflower, raw carrots, walnuts, avocado, and all melons. Well no wonder I don't like plant foods! If I cook the veggies, then it somehow makes the food not allergic anymore.

I have never craved a piece of fruit. Ever. Never Ever. I like MEAT. And some bread. But mostly meat and cheese. Maybe I am from another planet.

So, this morning, my breakfast is apples and strawberries. I tried to eat the grapefruit that Darling Husband (DH) brought home in a big bag from the store last week - but they were totally weird and gross. So it's strawberries and apples for me.

Good news. I found a sugar substitute that doesn't taste like metal and chemicals. It's called "Swerve." I don't know what it is, but I dipped the strawberry into it and actually enjoyed the berry. No calories in Swerve. Perhaps they lace it with cocaine or something. I bought organic chicken breast (Dr. T likes things to be organic) and some raw spinach and butter lettuce and some swiss chard. I bought a food scale.

And I bought a travel scale. I gave in. I will put the damn thing in my carry on when I travel for work later this week. Beloved Assistant (BA) who also has her own struggles with weight will be travelling with me. BA is one of my closest friends and is more like a sister. A really nice sister. She will provide support and encouragement on the trip.

Can you believe I bought a travel scale? I went into Bed Bath and Beyond and said "OK, if they have one of those stupid scales I'll get one, but if they don't then I'm bagging it." I literally ran into the display of travel scales. Maybe someone upstairs wants me to lose weight.

So today, I drank water, bought necessary dietary accouterments, ATE FRUIT (alert the media) and blogged here. I have started reading other people's blogs and have gotten inspired. One lovely woman talks about running ten miles. My first thought was the sense of my large boobs, flying all over the place and my asthma killing me, such that I'm a wheezing pile of lard at the side of the road and then the paramedics come and then the papers cover it because it's a slow news day and my pathetic self is displayed for all to see. Ten miles. If I ever run ten miles, at one time (not 20 feet a day for a hundred days) then I'm taking myself to Paris.

Right now, I'm just happy that I was able to eat a damn piece of fruit. For lunch, maybe I'll throw in a damn veggie.

HCG - Is This Lunacy?

I have started the HCG diet. This is something I did before and it worked very very well, but then dad died in the middle of it and I've totally blocked it out. This time, no injections but instead a "homeopathic" version of the HCG. I am instantly worried that it will not be effective. Of course, I am instantly worried when the wind blows or if you change the channel, being an anxious sort of person. As it is, I'm game.

Step one: You have to eat like a hog for two days. So, as I only discovered this yesterday afternoon, I made decadent Eggplant Almond Enchiladas that are filled with cheese and then covered in cheese. Plus some cheese. And then more cheese. And I had two beers. If you knew me, you would know that I don't drink much alcohol let alone beer. After church today the pastor and his wife and Darling Husband and Good Friend C. and I all went to brunch where they had bloody marys (too damn spicy, can I just say that?) and I ate eggs benedict. Tasted good but Ugh. Too much fat in two days (and given that I love fat almost as much as air and water, this is saying something).

However, I have a wicked sinus headache so maybe that put a dent in my typical delight in eggs benedict - usually I have the urge to just roll around on the plate in a ecstatic state.

But I'm here again blogging because somehow it seems that it will keep me honest.

The HCG drops just taste nasty. I am wondering how this will work itself out. I'm supposed to travel for work later this week - how to do the strict diet and be out of town? Dr. T's "Guide to the HGC Diet" tells me to pack a "travel scale." WTF? I am NOT packing a travel scale. What IS a travel scale? I'm just gonna have to trust to the diet and self. Travel scale. Who thinks of these things? Skinny women who travel for business? Of course, perhaps the reason they are skinny is because they pack things like travel scales.

Maybe I'll go on the internet and see what travel scales look like. Or maybe I'll watch football and take a nap.

Fruit of the Loom

I have known that I needed to lose weight for quite some time now. I was on my way - had started a diet and was going strong when my Dad died and I got sad and forgot about all diets and gained forty pounds. However, it was in preparation for a New Year's Eve party when I found myself digging in my drawer for my "comfy panties" that I had a sort of awakening. The party was going to have nifty hors d'oeuvres, which meant that I found the stretchy pants and the long sweater to go over said pants. I have gotten so heavy that my panties were too tight. So I purchased Hanes and Fruit of the Loom large cotton panties because they were so comfy. The Hanes are not nearly as comfy as the FOTL. I was digging in my dresser because I had to find the FOTL panties. I noticed that when I could not find them, I was bummed. BUMMED ABOUT PANTIES which of course is just sick and sad and pathetic and wrong.

I took myself in hand. It is time to lose weight. I plan to do something creative with all of the large panties, once I am out of them. Perhaps a sail to put on the boat. Perhaps a parachute for the dog. Maybe a quilt for some kind of Large Panty Perv. Something.

In my office building is a naturopathic physician. Dr. T. I call him "T" because we practice near each other. Dr. T is like fifty five and hot. So is his lovely and sweet and normal wife. I went in and said "T., I am just too damn fat." He took pity on me. He made an appointment for me to see him Saturday. Yes, he will see me on a Saturday because he is like that.

However, he made me go to get my Body Mass Index done. He apparently does not have the equipment to do this, but some chiropractor he knows does. I go to said chiropractor, who looked about twelve. He attached some electrodes to me and then punched some numbers into a computer and then he clucked a bit (but not in a mean way) and let me know that I have the body composition of a Butterball Turkey. Or a really nice eclair. I am FORTY FIVE PERCENT FAT! This, of course was horrifying, but also kind of strangely amazing. This means that I can essentially lose something the equivalent of a fifth grader off of my body. Oh, and my weight. It is 215 pounds. I think there are football players lighter than me.

So, chin up, stand up straight, square shoulders, deep breath. I can do this. People do this every day. Wish me luck.