The Plateau is Broken.. At Least for Now

After eating a very minimal amount yesterday, and drinking an ocean of water, the Good Scale begrudgingly gave me 195.8 as my reward. YES. I can now say I'm 19 pounds down. Of course, I'm already obsessing about how nice it would be to say I was 20 pounds down. Twenty just sounds so much better, doesn't it? Of course, that leads me into the fantasy land of thirty and then my brain is off to the future races instead of focusing on the here and now.

Curious Sis called me. She has started the HCG diet and has lost seven pounds in six days. She is pleased. She informed me that Writer Sis has also decided to do this. WS is hilarious. I hope she starts a weight loss blog because she'll entertain us all with it. I am awaiting WS's results as well. How weird, our parents die and then all three sisters decide to take off what should end up being about 250 pounds total, if we all make our goals. Hate to say it, but there's nothing like having your parents die that makes changes, both for bad (when I gained 50 pounds from 08 to 10) and good (like losing 19 pounds as of today).

DBoy and I did Just Dance 2 on the Wii again this morning. My large ass is sore. It was totally fun. I actually broke a sweat and DID NOT WANT TO STOP. This is amazing. I hate to move - unless it's raising a fork to my mouth or turning a page. Yet I did not want to stop. I consider this a huge victory.

Now it's lunch time. I'm starving - what else is new - and am headed home to my secret lover George Foreman and four ounces of lean protein. AHHHH.

Moving My Ass

Well, I have been dithering about movement. I have not moved myself, really effectively, in about a year - or more. Like it is everywhere, it's totally freezing here. And with our intermittent horrible air, (like breathing liquid library paste mixed with gasoline) I have had no urge to go on any walks. Asthma would protest if I did that.

So, Darling Boy convinces me to get one of those Wii games in which you dance. We did. Last night we held our Wii remotes and boogied down to songs from many eras. I BEAT HIM because I could not do all of the foot actions and craftily made sure the hand actions were on target. That and I did Jazzercise in the 80's and when all of these 80's song choices came on, I was FABULOUS. It rather pissed off DB, as he is a dancer and was sure he would beat me.

We did this last night at 8:30 PM. DB says "Let's get up in the morning early and do this again! Wake me up at 6:45!" I have created an 11 year old personal trainer in my very own house. True to form, we both got up, and we did this dance thing again for about 35 minutes. It was fun. I was able to shower and go to work afterward (where I am now, btw.) My Large Fluffy Ass is sore already.

So, movement has entered my life, and just in time, too, because the scale refuses to budge, even when I am so incredibly on program that it should have NO CHOICE but to go down. Good Scale told me "You are still 198.0 today. So suck it up and deal with it. Stop swearing at me because I am refusing to move." The Good Scale can be quite aggressive when it wants to be. I know, I am mildly psychotic because I talk to the Scale and it talks back.

Will pound water, eat boiled egg for lunch and go to Court today. Dammit. I will continue this until the DAMN SCALE DOES BUDGE!!!!

Growing Up

Well, I've been at this 198.5ish weight for a couple of days now. HCG people will describe this as a plateau because the expectation on this Very Low Cal Diet (VCLD) is to lose about a pound a day. I remain skeptical about the clear limitations of different sorts of veggies (e.g. asparagus yes, mushrooms no, and "don't mix vegetables at the same meal") and of types of carbs (apple yes and pear no). Yet when I vary, even just a wee bit, on this diet, I see a gain or in this instance a plateau. My "varying" last night was that I added about six canned artichoke hearts to my salad yesterday and did not eat any fruit. Boom, up a half a pound.

Given my peri menopause status, there is no regular Time of the Month (TOM) for me. Estrogen patch and Progestin have seen to that. So I can't blame it on some natural fluctuation, I don't think.

Today, I vow to stick exactly to the program and not to waver one single bit. I will BEAT this fucking plateau. Period. I am more powerful than food, dammit.

I also woke up at three in the morning and could not get back to sleep. I drank water and turned on the TV to watch two episodes of the new series "Heavy." What a terrific show. Very realistic. Very poignant. Very Very inspiring. It helps to realize that chocolate cake really and truly does have to be a thing of the past. Not just for now, but forever. This doesn't mean that I can't ever eat a single bite of chocolate cake again, but honestly, it has 800 calories in it. How can I justify that in a life of healthy eating and good choices?

I wonder if there is a certain amount of grieving for the unconscious eating style days - where I literally split off the fact that I was poisoning myself in favor of the opiod receptor comfort of fat/salt/sugar. I think there might be. Honestly, the ability to make good eating choices seems to fall under the "Personal Maturity" label for me. Part of being a grownup is eating like a grownup, instead of an impulsive, petulant child. It's the same part that finally learned to pay bills on time, show up for work on time, get homework done, play nice, and all of that. Well I have to grow up sometime and be a real woman and not a girl. This is part of it.

It also allowed me to find new sources of pleasure that are not food related. Like this blog. Like playing with wool. Like singing in a choir. And going to art museums. And hugging my boys (big and small).

Weight loss and health cannot be a project, like you would consider a remodel of a house. It has to be embraced and internalized. Like the way Spring just sortof creeps up and before you know it, there's leaves on the tree where you swore there weren't any just a few weeks ago. Just like growing up.

Whine about Wine

OK I won't whine. I am not deprived. I am fat and am doing a program of healthy and very low calorie eating in order to not be fat any more.

But when I try to fool myself and think that a glass of wine will take the carbs place of two apples, my HCG diet calls bullshit on me.

Had a .5 lb GAIN yesterday. ARG! I was on program but added the wine in place of the apple. I am also hoping that this was related to salt I put into my yummy chicken thai wraps.

So, ate well today and am pounding water like there is NO TOMORROW. Question: does drinking alot of water help to flush out overeating salt? I am hoping so. And another thing. Since when did it happen that I pee every time I cough, sneeze or laugh? And don't tell me to do those "Kegels" because I have a, um, vice like grip. Drinking all this water makes this pee issue all the worse. ARG.

Work was intense intense intense today. Suffice it to say that I was able to help a couple of little girls in a very big way, such that their lives will be forever different and oh so very much better. I thanked God over and over for things working out well (we brokered the deal at a settlement and did not have to go to a gnarly court hearing about it). I felt really grateful that I am allowed to be in this kind of position in my career. I will bitch and moan about the trials (literally) and tribulations of my work, but today was the tops.

One-derland.

The Good Scale reads 197.6 this morning. I have broken 200 pounds. And for the first time, I told my husband how much I really weigh. He didn't bat an eye.

I never want to see a "200" on the scale again. I recognize that my weight could fluctuate five pounds up tomorrow if I eat a bunch of salt, etc. But this feels like a true milestone. Seventeen pounds (and in only twenty-three days). The best thing about a really low calorie diet is that it's typically very gratifying such that you hang on for one more day, just to see if you can make the next wee milestone. My next wee milestone is 195, because that's twenty pounds. That is TWO cats off my ass.

Here's another milestone. I went out to a restaurant for breakfast after DBoy had a costume fitting (he is in a professional production of Sleeping Beauty). Boy was hungry, DH was hungry and I was too. We go to the Olympian, which is a wonderful family owned Greek breakfast place, like a Village Inn. Only better. Haven't been to Olympian for awhile. I always got the chicken fried steak and eggs, with two biscuits and butter and honey and hash browns. And juice.

There was nothing remotely dietary on this menu. So, I created a vegetarian omelette made with two egg whites and one egg yolk. No cheese. Fresh tomato, green pepper, onion and (gasp!) mushrooms inside. Nixed the side of toast and hash browns that came with it in favor of a half of a cup of blueberries - in part because I love blueberries and in part because this was the ONLY fruit they had that did not come in a can of syrup.

I also had coffee and went a wee bit off program by putting in one of those little dealies of cream.

Breakfast was glorious. I was completely stuffed. This was a milestone for me for all kinds of reasons. First, I determined to make a healthy choice and I did. Next, I asked very specifically for special treatment at this restaurant, because I was not going to settle for the "closest" thing on the menu to my program instead of the perfect thing for my program.

I felt powerful and healthy and assertive.

And I am no longer in the 200 pound range.

And Darling Boy has reported no headaches for the past eighteen hours or so.

AND I'm going to the wool shop today to get more stuff to make woolly pretties with.

All in all a "One-derful" Day.

Lost a Cat

Have I said this before? The Good Scale told me 201.0 this morning. That's 14 pounds. That's a really large cat. It pleases me no end. Next stop: Losing a Cocker Spaniel.

Today it was HARD to get food into me. I had a trial in the AM and then appointments all afternoon. I raced home and heated up leftover cioppino (MY SPECIALTY) and really had about a cup of it, and there wasn't much but yummy garlicky broth left. Then I had a half teaspoon of almond butter (bc it's not on plan but that was ALL I had time to eat and I figured a little protein wouldn't hurt).

Met a friend and colleague to discuss a case tonight at this snazzy bar after work while DBoy was in ballet. First of all, had nifty new haircut, wore pants that two weeks ago were altogether too small and had sparkly earrings on. You apparently need many more earring selections when you have short hair, btw. So I bought some. Heh. Anyway, felt snazzy. I had one glass of wine, four glasses of water, and a plain green salad w/vinaigrette that I dipped my fork into (versus pouring on the salad).

Came home. DH was making steaks. I had Swiss Chard w/ onions and garlic with olive oil PAM as the saute device. Also discovered jarred jalapeno peppers to toss in there - for spice. YUM. And about 5 ounces of delicious steak from the grass fed cow that we bought with DH's brother. Steak was so lovely. Greens were lovely. Drank more water.

So now I feel totally full, AS IF I HAD OVER EATEN. I'll bet I had no more than about 800 calories today. And I feel hog a licious. What is that? Honestly, I am the gal who could put away an entire prepared box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and a hotdog or two (think 1500 cals) in ONE SITTING.

Tomorrow: Uses for leftover steak. I am thinking thinly sliced and put into some mexican flavored something. I could make pretend fajitas and use lettuce leaves for the wrapping.

I'm still surprised I feel that I overate. Perhaps I ate something like a cake or something and did not know it? Am I the Sybil of Dieting?

Inspiration

Today I read Kelly's blog "Run Kelly Run." I was a blubbering emotional mess by the end of it. It was so incredibly helpful to read her thoughts about deciding to run and then running. Really really doing it. And she's not one of those perfectly skinny "OMG let's just run 100 miles for fun" sort of women with whom I (at least at this point) have nothing in common. So, it started me thinking: Perhaps I need to Move My Large Ass.

I should talk a little bit about my life/job/family here. I work full time, for myself, but as freedom giving as this sounds, it's not. Having your own business is expensive. There is No Net. If you don't keep moving at work, you will stop having business and then you will starve. Darling Husband is an artist and is going back to University to finish a teaching degree. There's no other source of income at this point. I worry about how on earth I am going to find a way to work in exercise, with DB's ballet work (he goes 10 - 12 hours per week) and the practice and Husband's hurt back (yesterday, shoveling snow, and now he can't drive) and and and. Where can I fit in that kind of time for myself? Honestly, I tend to want to READ if I'm taking time for myself, not exercise. Also, it feels really really selfish to take the time.

Part of this is tied up in where I put my energy and get my rewards. Like my mother, I have made my career a huge focus and giant source of self esteem. Don't get me wrong. My work is hard. It's a specialty area and I'm good at it. And I like getting self esteem units in any format. But my sense of being just a fat horse pulling a heavy wagon, with no other input, that is just not healthy.

Unlike my mother, I also get huge esteem and have big focus on my little family. Mother really didn't seem to like being a mother, but she taught me some important lessons (bag home ec class and take chemistry) and I am grateful to her for that. I know I am a much better mother than she was. I can say that without any hesitation. She never had any fun, never too much time for herself except for working. That's what being born in the 20's will do for ya.

Anyway, it has been growing on me for some time that I have really become a one or two trick pony (to keep our horse metaphor going) and that in the process, I have bored myself (and likely others) to tears. When I was a teenager (in the pre-cambrian era), I wasn't like that. I was quite social and played four instruments and acted in plays and was drivesified in character. I miss that aspect of myself. There's no going back to high school (thanking god for that) but it is time to diversify my psychological portfolio (especially since my financial one can be depressing).

I think that's where this blog comes in. I think that's where Kelly's inspiration comes in. I think that's why I've been playing with wool. And wanting to paint, which is hysterical, because I have no artistic talent, WHATSOEVER. Honestly, I cannot draw a straight line. And thinking about exercise. Exercise time that is just for me. Exercise time that I like. In grad school I did Jazzercise. I loved it. That was what helped me lose quite a bit of weight. I was about 125 pounds. I was really really physically healthy. I loved it so much, I used to get a discount on classes because I worked as the person who checked people in. But that was twenty-five years ago. And I cannot wrap my head around liking anything remotely associated with cardiovascular stuff, for all kinds of reasons, including the ones I've talked about here.

However these thoughts may be related to all these weird dreams I keep having. Monday night, it was that the house was burning down around me. Last night, the tornado dreams returned.

I think it was Karl Jung who said that the house is the symbol of the self. If that's the case, then something really is afoot.

Oh and Good Scale read 202.8 this morning. I'm back into reasonable territory again.