Slippery Slope

Well, travelling this past weekend to sunny San Diego made it extremely difficult to stay on plan. I ate extremely well, but for SOMEONE NOT ON AN HCG DIET PLAN. The worst thing I did was eat a few chips and salsa. Had salads every meal. Ate eggs and fruit. No cheese to speak of. No sodas, no candy. Still put on 2.5 lbs from Friday morning until Tuesday morning.

I know what I need to do. And that is to not panic and say "oh fuck it, I'm sick of this" which of course, I am. If I am driving to San Francisco California and I make a wrong turn, and end up headed towards Beaver, Utah, this does not mean that I must inevitably drive all the way to Beaver. (Yes, Beaver, Utah is a real place). Instead, I make a U turn and get back on I 80 West, dammit.

So, the U turn is that there will be no more off program carbs for the next week. I have one more week or so of the shots left on this crazy diet. Then I'm on a more calorie plan that STILL limits carbs. That goes for between three to six weeks, depending what you read. During that period, I will be interested to see how my weight loss (or maintaining of the loss I have had) goes. What I do not want to do is lose hope or motivation.

So, back at the blog, confessing, confessing, confessing. I will be happy to leave this diet and move onto more normal healthy eating styles. But the days of mindless gnawing on stuff - those are long gone.

What does everyone else do when they make a slip? Both in your head and in your behavior?

Steady On

Well, so far, so good. Down 23 pounds. Every pound is a battle. Not as big a battle as those facing financial ruin, cancer, divorce, etc. But still, a wee battle in my head. I have been thinking about the sensation of hunger lately. Until now, I have always treated hunger like a sort of a crisis. I HAVE to eat! I MUST eat! Let's not think about the 80-90 pounds that I carry around that I could burn at any moment - oh no. Instead, let's decide that if I don't eat THIS MINUTE I will die. Now, I understand that starving and then eating a bunch of bad stuff isn't the way to go. But detaching the panic, stricken, anxious and/or petulance that has accompanied hunger - that's the trick for me I think.

Decreasing whining also helps tremendously.

Isn't it interesting that when you stop thinking about food so much, there is room for other stuff to do and think about?

Of course, my temptations are everywhere - the latest is Carl's Junior Chicken Strips. Real white meat, very very delicious, not made of "Chicken Paste" as the crap at McDonald's is... with mustard sauce. YUM. But guess what? A three portion serving (which is modest) is 380 Calories! Holy Hell. For those? Really? Screw that.

The end of this HCG portion of my diet is approaching in about 10 days or so. I am curious about where the weight will be at that point. I'd really like to be into the 180's - but who knows. What's important is that the next phase is higher calorie but still really healthy eating and still no carbs. After that, I can decide to go back on the VLCD again, complete with shots, or not. At least, for today, I am 191.8. At least, for today, I have not been drinking soda, or eating crap. At least, for today, I can feel my hunger and reassure myself that there will be nourishment versus just junk at the end of the day.

xoxo

The Honey Moon is Over

Well, it's been over thirty days on this diet.

The Honey Moon is OVER. Reality is sinking in. Even though this diet, with its weird rules and regulations, and bizarre starvation will be over, the rest of it won't be. I can't eat white bread anymore - unless I treat it like a piece of fucking cake, and if that's the case, why not just eat the cake? I can't eat thoughtlessly anymore. I have to be adult, and pay attention, and so on and so forth.

I hope that in a few months when I read this, I will laugh "ha!" I will say. "I was just whining." But now, I'm sortof in a pissed off mode. Like a bratty kid.

I'm hungry and need to eat again. I'm sick of steaming vegetables and I just got home and I'm too tired to cook. But fast food must be out, forever and ever. And so instead of bitching to my faithful pals here, I need to haul my fluffy butt into the kitchen and cook something healthy.

I was able to get back in to the 193 range after the "wild" weekend of having 1200 calories versus 500.

But before I put all of you right off with my wailing, I will say that even though this diet is boring as hell, and limited and minimal, it has been totally worth it. And I tell myself that the next phase will be less boring and certainly less minimal and that weight will still come off, albeit more slowly.

Because today I PUT ON MY SIZE 14 Ann Taylor Jeans. And I even zipped them up. And wore them in public. And had manageable Muffin Toppage that was not humiliating under my shirt. So that's a victory.

I want to wear these size 14 jeans every single day, just to remind myself that there are advantages to growing up and eating like an adult versus an indulgent teen aged girl.

OK. Speaking of adulthood, it's time to eat something. Something reasonable.

The Sin of the Super Bowl

Well, I learned something: Never host a Super Bowl Party when you are on a 500 cal per day diet. However, all things considering, my errant nibbles were not too horrible: the chicken wings (four of them) were so incredibly wonderful I did a little dance. But it was my sinful descent into the Carbohydrate Castle that was the most delicious. I had not had any carb to speak of for about a month. I had 10 tortilla chips and 8 rice crackers. And about two inch cubes of brie cheese. Can I just say how much I love brie cheese? I wanted to roll around in the brie cheese like a dog rolls in dirt. I also had a small piece of.... SALAMI. Yesssssss. The good news was that I did not drink beer and that I also did not say "OH FUCK IT, IT'S THE SUPERBOWL" and really go to town with chowing down. I gained about a pound and a half on the good scale this morning, but I was expecting it.

And there's no place to go but down.

Darling Husband moved the tread mill back into the house. This means that I must get on it, with no more dithering.

OK Trusty Fat Loss Pals: How did you handle Super Bowl Sunday?

xxo GP

A Beagle's Worth of Fat Off My Ass

Finally. FINALLY. It's been about a month and I finally made it twenty pounds. It's a third of what I want to lose but it's OFF. This is the weight of an average beagle.

I had this infantile fantasy that somehow, I would happily diet along and that the weight would just FALL off and I would not notice it and that this would be easy.

Boy was I wrong. I feel like I have had to suffer and fight for every one of those pounds. It is daunting to think that this is only going to get harder as I get closer to goal weight and not easier. But it must be done. It MUST be.

Super Bowl Sunday is tomorrow - we are having SMW and the Hilarious Pastor over. SMW (Sexy Minister's Wife) is on a "belly diet" so that's a good thing - I'll have a partner in my healthful eating for the day. I am telling Darling Husband that the purchase of fattening Super Bowl Day foods will be up to him. I'm not even purchasing that shit.

Instead, I went to Whole Foods and today, I did not feel self-conscious at all. Indeed, TWO complete strangers struck up a conversation with me, and both gave me their cards. The first one was Ali, who owns the Middle Eastern Restaurant that I just adore. He noticed all of my greens. I let him know I was on a diet but that the first time I was able to eat at a restaurant, I was making a bee line for his place (his hummus is just to die for). He GIVES ME HIS CARD and says "No No, If you need your food prepared specially, just call me ahead of time. It's no problem." Then he said that I should not lose too much more weight, which of course was a lie, but it was a nice little flirty lie. The next person was by the Salsa Testing Table. She also noticed my Pile O' Kale and in her charming little New York Accent gave me a nifty recipe to prepare it and then we launched into a discussion of her job as a personal travel agent. She gave me her card and said that she would take my entire family to India or Peru. WOW.

Usually I am the one who approaches people, but this time, no. Perhaps I smell really nice today?

OK, back to drinking More Water. How much do you drink? Aren't we supposed to drink half our body weight in water, per day? Wow. I'd better get at it then.

Going to Dinner, Dammit

This phase of my weight loss involves this super low calorie diet. This is only for a period of forty days or so. It's like being in a dietary monastery and I really really like it. Not many choices, lots of structure and lots of prayer (me, praying before I step on the Good Scale each morning).

I know that this phase is temporary and designed to help me withdraw from old eating patterns and become ready to incorporate new ways of thinking. This goes along merrily until an old friend from out of town came into town. We are, of course, taking her out to dinner. I am, of course, anxious. I looked at the menu. WOW, it looks deeelicious. However, I'll have to be one of "those" diners who ask for special treatment with the preparation of the food. And because I'm a FAT HOG, I will feel all self conscious, as if they will be saying to themselves, "poor fat thing trying to eat in a particular way to lose weight... it's hopeless." Now I realize that this is all really really bad self talk. I know that people don't give a rat's ass about my size, my order or what. I have been told that I am particularly charming with waiters, so likely the waiter will happily abide by my requests. It's just that being fat has been such a presence in my life. I hate hate hate drawing attention to it with strangers, with my special dietary requests.

I am not a shy person. Except in the area of the corpus - the body - the physical. Then, I just want to hide.

OK friends who have lost a bunch of weight and are now no longer viewed as obese by the public: How does it feel? When do you stop feeling self conscious? Ever?

In any event, I've pounded water today and had two egg whites, plus one egg. That should be low calorie enough to help me not totally fuck up my SLOW (but generally steady) weight loss.

The Good Scale read 195.4 today. It needs to give me my TWENTY POUND MARK DAMMIT.

Wish me luck.

The Plateau is Broken.. At Least for Now

After eating a very minimal amount yesterday, and drinking an ocean of water, the Good Scale begrudgingly gave me 195.8 as my reward. YES. I can now say I'm 19 pounds down. Of course, I'm already obsessing about how nice it would be to say I was 20 pounds down. Twenty just sounds so much better, doesn't it? Of course, that leads me into the fantasy land of thirty and then my brain is off to the future races instead of focusing on the here and now.

Curious Sis called me. She has started the HCG diet and has lost seven pounds in six days. She is pleased. She informed me that Writer Sis has also decided to do this. WS is hilarious. I hope she starts a weight loss blog because she'll entertain us all with it. I am awaiting WS's results as well. How weird, our parents die and then all three sisters decide to take off what should end up being about 250 pounds total, if we all make our goals. Hate to say it, but there's nothing like having your parents die that makes changes, both for bad (when I gained 50 pounds from 08 to 10) and good (like losing 19 pounds as of today).

DBoy and I did Just Dance 2 on the Wii again this morning. My large ass is sore. It was totally fun. I actually broke a sweat and DID NOT WANT TO STOP. This is amazing. I hate to move - unless it's raising a fork to my mouth or turning a page. Yet I did not want to stop. I consider this a huge victory.

Now it's lunch time. I'm starving - what else is new - and am headed home to my secret lover George Foreman and four ounces of lean protein. AHHHH.