I have known that I needed to lose weight for quite some time now. I was on my way - had started a diet and was going strong when my Dad died and I got sad and forgot about all diets and gained forty pounds. However, it was in preparation for a New Year's Eve party when I found myself digging in my drawer for my "comfy panties" that I had a sort of awakening. The party was going to have nifty hors d'oeuvres, which meant that I found the stretchy pants and the long sweater to go over said pants. I have gotten so heavy that my panties were too tight. So I purchased Hanes and Fruit of the Loom large cotton panties because they were so comfy. The Hanes are not nearly as comfy as the FOTL. I was digging in my dresser because I had to find the FOTL panties. I noticed that when I could not find them, I was bummed. BUMMED ABOUT PANTIES which of course is just sick and sad and pathetic and wrong.
I took myself in hand. It is time to lose weight. I plan to do something creative with all of the large panties, once I am out of them. Perhaps a sail to put on the boat. Perhaps a parachute for the dog. Maybe a quilt for some kind of Large Panty Perv. Something.
In my office building is a naturopathic physician. Dr. T. I call him "T" because we practice near each other. Dr. T is like fifty five and hot. So is his lovely and sweet and normal wife. I went in and said "T., I am just too damn fat." He took pity on me. He made an appointment for me to see him Saturday. Yes, he will see me on a Saturday because he is like that.
However, he made me go to get my Body Mass Index done. He apparently does not have the equipment to do this, but some chiropractor he knows does. I go to said chiropractor, who looked about twelve. He attached some electrodes to me and then punched some numbers into a computer and then he clucked a bit (but not in a mean way) and let me know that I have the body composition of a Butterball Turkey. Or a really nice eclair. I am FORTY FIVE PERCENT FAT! This, of course was horrifying, but also kind of strangely amazing. This means that I can essentially lose something the equivalent of a fifth grader off of my body. Oh, and my weight. It is 215 pounds. I think there are football players lighter than me.
So, chin up, stand up straight, square shoulders, deep breath. I can do this. People do this every day. Wish me luck.
One Woman's Quest to Lose Large and Ugly Panties Forever
I've had it with ugly panties that fit my large behind. I'm done with clothes for the large woman that just aren't as cute as the clothes I wore twenty years ago. I'm tired of wheezing as I go up the stairs. I've got sixty pounds to lose - because on my fiftieth birthday, I'm dancing naked in a thong, dammit. And it better be pretty. This little bunny rabbit is hopping me down the weight loss lane. I wanted a pair of big granny panties rolling through the grass, but I'm not computer savvy.
