One Woman's Quest to Lose Large and Ugly Panties Forever

I've had it with ugly panties that fit my large behind. I'm done with clothes for the large woman that just aren't as cute as the clothes I wore twenty years ago. I'm tired of wheezing as I go up the stairs. I've got sixty pounds to lose - because on my fiftieth birthday, I'm dancing naked in a thong, dammit. And it better be pretty. This little bunny rabbit is hopping me down the weight loss lane. I wanted a pair of big granny panties rolling through the grass, but I'm not computer savvy.


Monday, January 31, 2011

Whine about Wine

OK I won't whine. I am not deprived. I am fat and am doing a program of healthy and very low calorie eating in order to not be fat any more.

But when I try to fool myself and think that a glass of wine will take the carbs place of two apples, my HCG diet calls bullshit on me.

Had a .5 lb GAIN yesterday. ARG! I was on program but added the wine in place of the apple. I am also hoping that this was related to salt I put into my yummy chicken thai wraps.

So, ate well today and am pounding water like there is NO TOMORROW. Question: does drinking alot of water help to flush out overeating salt? I am hoping so. And another thing. Since when did it happen that I pee every time I cough, sneeze or laugh? And don't tell me to do those "Kegels" because I have a, um, vice like grip. Drinking all this water makes this pee issue all the worse. ARG.

Work was intense intense intense today. Suffice it to say that I was able to help a couple of little girls in a very big way, such that their lives will be forever different and oh so very much better. I thanked God over and over for things working out well (we brokered the deal at a settlement and did not have to go to a gnarly court hearing about it). I felt really grateful that I am allowed to be in this kind of position in my career. I will bitch and moan about the trials (literally) and tribulations of my work, but today was the tops.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

One-derland.

The Good Scale reads 197.6 this morning. I have broken 200 pounds. And for the first time, I told my husband how much I really weigh. He didn't bat an eye.

I never want to see a "200" on the scale again. I recognize that my weight could fluctuate five pounds up tomorrow if I eat a bunch of salt, etc. But this feels like a true milestone. Seventeen pounds (and in only twenty-three days). The best thing about a really low calorie diet is that it's typically very gratifying such that you hang on for one more day, just to see if you can make the next wee milestone. My next wee milestone is 195, because that's twenty pounds. That is TWO cats off my ass.

Here's another milestone. I went out to a restaurant for breakfast after DBoy had a costume fitting (he is in a professional production of Sleeping Beauty). Boy was hungry, DH was hungry and I was too. We go to the Olympian, which is a wonderful family owned Greek breakfast place, like a Village Inn. Only better. Haven't been to Olympian for awhile. I always got the chicken fried steak and eggs, with two biscuits and butter and honey and hash browns. And juice.

There was nothing remotely dietary on this menu. So, I created a vegetarian omelette made with two egg whites and one egg yolk. No cheese. Fresh tomato, green pepper, onion and (gasp!) mushrooms inside. Nixed the side of toast and hash browns that came with it in favor of a half of a cup of blueberries - in part because I love blueberries and in part because this was the ONLY fruit they had that did not come in a can of syrup.

I also had coffee and went a wee bit off program by putting in one of those little dealies of cream.

Breakfast was glorious. I was completely stuffed. This was a milestone for me for all kinds of reasons. First, I determined to make a healthy choice and I did. Next, I asked very specifically for special treatment at this restaurant, because I was not going to settle for the "closest" thing on the menu to my program instead of the perfect thing for my program.

I felt powerful and healthy and assertive.

And I am no longer in the 200 pound range.

And Darling Boy has reported no headaches for the past eighteen hours or so.

AND I'm going to the wool shop today to get more stuff to make woolly pretties with.

All in all a "One-derful" Day.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Lost a Cat

Have I said this before? The Good Scale told me 201.0 this morning. That's 14 pounds. That's a really large cat. It pleases me no end. Next stop: Losing a Cocker Spaniel.

Today it was HARD to get food into me. I had a trial in the AM and then appointments all afternoon. I raced home and heated up leftover cioppino (MY SPECIALTY) and really had about a cup of it, and there wasn't much but yummy garlicky broth left. Then I had a half teaspoon of almond butter (bc it's not on plan but that was ALL I had time to eat and I figured a little protein wouldn't hurt).

Met a friend and colleague to discuss a case tonight at this snazzy bar after work while DBoy was in ballet. First of all, had nifty new haircut, wore pants that two weeks ago were altogether too small and had sparkly earrings on. You apparently need many more earring selections when you have short hair, btw. So I bought some. Heh. Anyway, felt snazzy. I had one glass of wine, four glasses of water, and a plain green salad w/vinaigrette that I dipped my fork into (versus pouring on the salad).

Came home. DH was making steaks. I had Swiss Chard w/ onions and garlic with olive oil PAM as the saute device. Also discovered jarred jalapeno peppers to toss in there - for spice. YUM. And about 5 ounces of delicious steak from the grass fed cow that we bought with DH's brother. Steak was so lovely. Greens were lovely. Drank more water.

So now I feel totally full, AS IF I HAD OVER EATEN. I'll bet I had no more than about 800 calories today. And I feel hog a licious. What is that? Honestly, I am the gal who could put away an entire prepared box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and a hotdog or two (think 1500 cals) in ONE SITTING.

Tomorrow: Uses for leftover steak. I am thinking thinly sliced and put into some mexican flavored something. I could make pretend fajitas and use lettuce leaves for the wrapping.

I'm still surprised I feel that I overate. Perhaps I ate something like a cake or something and did not know it? Am I the Sybil of Dieting?

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Inspiration

Today I read Kelly's blog "Run Kelly Run." I was a blubbering emotional mess by the end of it. It was so incredibly helpful to read her thoughts about deciding to run and then running. Really really doing it. And she's not one of those perfectly skinny "OMG let's just run 100 miles for fun" sort of women with whom I (at least at this point) have nothing in common. So, it started me thinking: Perhaps I need to Move My Large Ass.

I should talk a little bit about my life/job/family here. I work full time, for myself, but as freedom giving as this sounds, it's not. Having your own business is expensive. There is No Net. If you don't keep moving at work, you will stop having business and then you will starve. Darling Husband is an artist and is going back to University to finish a teaching degree. There's no other source of income at this point. I worry about how on earth I am going to find a way to work in exercise, with DB's ballet work (he goes 10 - 12 hours per week) and the practice and Husband's hurt back (yesterday, shoveling snow, and now he can't drive) and and and. Where can I fit in that kind of time for myself? Honestly, I tend to want to READ if I'm taking time for myself, not exercise. Also, it feels really really selfish to take the time.

Part of this is tied up in where I put my energy and get my rewards. Like my mother, I have made my career a huge focus and giant source of self esteem. Don't get me wrong. My work is hard. It's a specialty area and I'm good at it. And I like getting self esteem units in any format. But my sense of being just a fat horse pulling a heavy wagon, with no other input, that is just not healthy.

Unlike my mother, I also get huge esteem and have big focus on my little family. Mother really didn't seem to like being a mother, but she taught me some important lessons (bag home ec class and take chemistry) and I am grateful to her for that. I know I am a much better mother than she was. I can say that without any hesitation. She never had any fun, never too much time for herself except for working. That's what being born in the 20's will do for ya.

Anyway, it has been growing on me for some time that I have really become a one or two trick pony (to keep our horse metaphor going) and that in the process, I have bored myself (and likely others) to tears. When I was a teenager (in the pre-cambrian era), I wasn't like that. I was quite social and played four instruments and acted in plays and was drivesified in character. I miss that aspect of myself. There's no going back to high school (thanking god for that) but it is time to diversify my psychological portfolio (especially since my financial one can be depressing).

I think that's where this blog comes in. I think that's where Kelly's inspiration comes in. I think that's why I've been playing with wool. And wanting to paint, which is hysterical, because I have no artistic talent, WHATSOEVER. Honestly, I cannot draw a straight line. And thinking about exercise. Exercise time that is just for me. Exercise time that I like. In grad school I did Jazzercise. I loved it. That was what helped me lose quite a bit of weight. I was about 125 pounds. I was really really physically healthy. I loved it so much, I used to get a discount on classes because I worked as the person who checked people in. But that was twenty-five years ago. And I cannot wrap my head around liking anything remotely associated with cardiovascular stuff, for all kinds of reasons, including the ones I've talked about here.

However these thoughts may be related to all these weird dreams I keep having. Monday night, it was that the house was burning down around me. Last night, the tornado dreams returned.

I think it was Karl Jung who said that the house is the symbol of the self. If that's the case, then something really is afoot.

Oh and Good Scale read 202.8 this morning. I'm back into reasonable territory again.

Inspiration

Today I read Kelly's blog "Run Kelly Run." I was a blubbering emotional mess by the end of it. It was so incredibly helpful to read her thoughts about deciding to run and then running. Really really doing it. And she's not one of those perfectly skinny "OMG let's just run 100 miles for fun" sort of women with whom I (at least at this point) have nothing in common. So, it started me thinking: Perhaps I need to Move My Large Ass.

I should talk a little bit about my life/job/family here. I work full time, for myself, but as freedom giving as this sounds, it's not. Having your own business is expensive. There is No Net. If you don't keep moving at work, you will stop having business and then you will starve. Darling Husband is an artist and is going back to University to finish a teaching degree. There's no other source of income at this point. I worry about how on earth I am going to find a way to work in exercise, with DB's ballet work (he goes 10 - 12 hours per week) and the practice and Husband's hurt back (yesterday, shoveling snow, and now he can't drive) and and and. Where can I fit in that kind of time for myself? Honestly, I tend to want to READ if I'm taking time for myself, not exercise. Also, it feels really really selfish to take the time.

Part of this is tied up in where I put my energy and get my rewards. Like my mother, I have made my career a huge focus and giant source of self esteem. Don't get me wrong. My work is hard. It's a specialty area and I'm good at it. And I like getting self esteem units in any format. But my sense of being just a fat horse pulling a heavy wagon, with no other input, that is just not healthy.

Unlike my mother, I also get huge esteem and have big focus on my little family. Mother really didn't seem to like being a mother, but she taught me some important lessons (bag home ec class and take chemistry) and I am grateful to her for that. I know I am a much better mother than she was. I can say that without any hesitation. She never had any fun, never too much time for herself except for working. That's what being born in the 20's will do for ya.

Anyway, it has been growing on me for some time that I have really become a one or two trick pony (to keep our horse metaphor going) and that in the process, I have bored myself (and likely others) to tears. When I was a teenager (in the pre-cambrian era), I wasn't like that. I was quite social and played four instruments and acted in plays and was drivesified in character. I miss that aspect of myself. There's no going back to high school (thanking god for that) but it is time to diversify my psychological portfolio (especially since my financial one can be depressing).

I think that's where this blog comes in. I think that's where Kelly's inspiration comes in. I think that's why I've been playing with wool. And wanting to paint, which is hysterical, because I have no artistic talent, WHATSOEVER. Honestly, I cannot draw a straight line. And thinking about exercise. Exercise time that is just for me. Exercise time that I like. In grad school I did Jazzercise. I loved it. That was what helped me lose quite a bit of weight. I was about 125 pounds. I was really really physically healthy. I loved it so much, I used to get a discount on classes because I worked as the person who checked people in. But that was twenty-five years ago. And I cannot wrap my head around liking anything remotely associated with cardiovascular stuff, for all kinds of reasons, including the ones I've talked about here.

However these thoughts may be related to all these weird dreams I keep having. Monday night, it was that the house was burning down around me. Last night, the tornado dreams returned.

I think it was Karl Jung who said that the house is the symbol of the self. If that's the case, then something really is afoot.

Oh and Good Scale read 202.8 this morning. I'm back into reasonable territory again.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Hair Cut

Well I did it. I chopped off my hair. I LOVE IT. This is a big deal because I worry that having short hair will make me look even fatter than I am now, but it didn't. Instead, it helps me look much less dowdy and my head feels lovely and light.

I tend to see symbolic meaning in everything. The last time I cut my hair off, I ended up losing a great deal of weight. Then I just let it grow, like an untended hedge. So today, for who knows what reason (ok, perhaps we do know) I said "just cut it the way you think it will look best" and voila. Shag/Pixie look. Perhaps I will keep this look all the way to my "after" pictures. Who knows?

Every day I realize that despite the drastic measure of this HCG diet, this truly is beginning - just beginning - to feel like a lifestyle. This way of thinking has to grow on you - like mold in the shower (sorry, no better analogy available). Slowly but steadily.

Went to Whole Foods again for the THIRD TIME IN A ROW! Eve, my favorite checker noticed my fab new short hairdo. So did the beautiful woman in the vitamin aisle. Go figure. Wore nifty felted scarf that I made myself (using this japanese technique involving silk and raw wool roving and lots of elbow grease) and I headed right to the greens aisle. This was because I ate my last bit of green in the fridge (asparagus) last night. So instead of heading to a fast food joint because I was starving, I went to WF, bought my greens, and came home and made delicious sea scallops on the old George Foreman, then wilted my greens (I only love warm food - unless it's ice cream and I really don't love ice cream) and ate a healthy lunch ON PROGRAM.

Today I didn't feel as weird in Whole Foods. I didn't feel like I was the "token fat girl" or anything like that. I didn't even feel self conscious buying greens - like the fat woman who is obviously on a diet. Nothing. Instead, I felt my deliciously light head, peered out at the lovely snow falling, thought about my 4 PM client and had a sense of contentment.

Yay.

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Scare

I got a call from the school today. Darling Boy fell off the top of the ten foot slide at his school. He was sliding on the edge of the slide and some other kid slid right behind him and he took a flying superman fall onto his chest at school. I was in a session and got the call about a half hour later. Flew to the school. He had ringing ears, nausea, and a headache. This means head injury. Called Dr. Lou the old time pediatrician we see, thinking he'd say "well bring him in" or "watch him." Instead, Lou said "get him to the emergency room."

Heart pounding, went to Children's Hospital ER. They felt the back of his neck. He said "ow." They put him in a C Collar. Flat on his back. My heart rate went up a bit. Darling Husband was in class. Posted my situation on Facebook - why I don't know - and Hilarious Pastor shows up spontaneously at hospital to hold my hand and promise he will give me wine as soon as I am off this low carb diet.

In the end, the verdict was Concussion. Darling Boy cannot do any ballet (did I already say he dances about ten hours a week in the academy of the very good professional ballet in our city?) and can't leap about and can't run and so forth for a week. We need to continue to watch him the rest of the night.

DBoy seems fine. Indeed he was flirting with the really hot blonde MD who looked at him today. Afterward, he got the "You Terrified Me and Promise You Will Never Ever Again Fuck Around On the Swing at That School Where No One Watches the Kids on the Playground" lecture.

I have only eaten 4 oz of chicken and asparagus so far today.

So I'm getting out the George Foreman and doing a low fat burger. I would like to substitute my two apple carb portions today for some wine. The Pastor encouraged it. He even said he'd get the wine.

Husband also encourages it.

We will see.

The whole thing reminded me about what is important and what is not. Hug your kids tonight my lovelies. Kiss them on their non-concussed heads.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

A GAIN!

Well, I knew that I needed to expect it. If I drank wine on Friday night, and then ATE A PIECE OF PIE on Saturday night (HP's birthday) then it was bound to happen. 206.4. Dammit. I also had to skip an HCG shot and forgot my drops on the trip. I did not even do the scale dance, I was so bummed.

However, there were small victories today: 1) I stayed on program except for a spoonful of Oh My God Delicious Plain Greek Yogurt in my otherwise extremely spicy chicken curry soup I had for dinner. 2) I walked by the place where the old Christmas Candy was and discovered THREE unopened cans of Almond Rocca (sp). I swear those three pink cans were like Sirens and I was like Fat Jason and the Argonauts, except that there was no one to tie my hands to the mast. I opened the gold plastic lids of all three cans. Each one was still vacuum sealed. Somehow, I tore myself away and instead ate strawberries with some Swerve on them.

I had a mild headache this morning and the Boys went skiing, which I knew better than to do at this point. So I skipped church and laid in bed. Then I turned on my favorite Agatha Christy books on tape/Ipod and indulged in my new favorite thing, making beautiful wool scarves using raw wool roving and silk and water and soap. And bubble wrap. It's easy to do, it takes time, and the results are a gorgeous felted scarf. This was my second endeavor and it was lovely.

I used to simply sit at the computer or television and just eat, first sweet, then salty, then sweet again, with my mind all numbed out. Trying to stay away from screens, (except to talk to you guys), I think will continue to be a good health move.

Tomorrow, must get Darling Husband to move the treadmill BACK inside the house, where he stole it to the garage. He likes walking in the cold. My asthma will never let me do that. Plus it is often very smoggy where we live and again, asthma will make the entire walk on treadmill endeavor just worthless.

Time for sleeping. Time to put Darling Boy to bed. Time to drink a lot more water, just in case there is a miracle and tomorrow morning the Good Scale will allow me to be in the 202 range again. OK I know it's not likely. I must pay for my recent sinful eating. Heh. But it WAS lovely.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Flirted With?

I am not sure but I think I was flirted with by a man who was not my husband. OK so BA and I went to this fabulous restaurant in Sacrenento last night. It was a difficult eating day in that I had two poached eggs plus an egg white for breakfast and then at three we ate lunch at the Crocker Museum (which was pretty wonderful ) in the form of began celery soup and spinach salad. Theen we went to this frenzy restaurant for dinner. So eating anything at that point put me over the 500 calorie limit. And I knew it and so was just trying not to say "oh fuck it." So I ordered this amazing italian seafood stew. Now. I make a wickedly good cioppino myself but this really knocked my socks off. So, being me and all, I chatted up the chef when he stopped by our table. This chef has been all over the world including a zillion places in France (my favorite.country) and so on. We chatted about trying to get crab or syrup shells to boil for the base of stews like this, and he kept stopping by our table to talk. He told me that I obviously was a great cook etc etc and then he gave me his card and encouraged me to contact him with cooking questions. BA noticed flirtage. I wondered if I was simply feeling the deeeeicious glass of California Charddonney I was drinking. This made mme sit back and think: twelve pounds is a lot of weight but its still in the "drop in the bucket" category. Clearly I was the one feeling more attractive. My size 18 jeans were falling off. I had makeup on. My bra was tightened as far as it could be tightened. And I had on a low cut shirt. Pretty is as pretty does... or feels I suppose.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

On the Road Again

So my BA and I are headed to the airport again for another trip for my work. Suffice it to say that I really do NOT want to bring the Stupid Travel Scale because it can't make up its mind about whether it is my friend or not.

Travelling on this program is difficult. Part of me wants to pack the George Foreman Grill and cook on top of the TV in the hotel. But I won't. But I will try to be just as reasonable as possible on the trip and if BA sees me with that wild look in my eye, I've instructed her to tie me to a chair.

We're headed to northern California, which is WINE COUNTRY again dammit. I am allowed an apple on this diet. Actually two apples! I wonder if I can trade in those carbs for a glass O' wine.

Packing apples in the carry on bag this time which might help both alleviate hunger and help me to avoid those Biscotti Cookies that Delta has. Also packing own water. Their child's tea set sized cups are just ridiculous. Must remember to get trashy magazines that will lower IQ while on plane.

The Good Scale read 202.4 today. Thanking God and The George Foreman today.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Surrender Dorothy

First of all, the Good Scale told me 204.0 this morning. CS was right about small plateaus and then drops. Next of all, I only started the injections this morning. So I can hope for this continued brisk loss pace to continue, hopefully, for the next ten pounds.

This is a very low calorie diet that was used in Italy in the 1970s at one of those expensive fat farm resorts. The physician who discovered it found that the use of this hormone (HCG) tended to create rapid weight loss with decreased hunger in very low calorie diets. Like 500 calories per day. The theory is that the HCG allows stored reserves of fat to be metabolized more easily such that the person feels less hunger than they might because they are easily and readily burning fat reserves that are on board.

This may be a Total Bunch of Bull. However, I have lost eleven pounds in nine days. Clearly some of this is water. The weird thing is that this diet not only limits you to 500 calories per day, it also limits the kinds of things you can eat to make those calories. I was not a believer until I went off program last week when we were in Oregon and my choices (especially in terms of food preparation) were more limited. And I had a small gain and I had a two day plateau. It is hard for someone like me to understand why an apple is OK but a pear is not. Why Swiss Chard is lovely but mushrooms are not OK. My brain is always spinning and working and being a curious AND cynical sort of person, it drives me nuts not to understand these things.

However, I believe that I must surrender to this process and stop asking so many questions about it and stop turning things over and over in my head and just roll with it.

And indeed, I have been hunting down HCG recipes that work and OH MY GOD I found a killer one last night. So good that I am going to make it again (in larger quantities) for my family. Darling Boy asked for a bite of what I was having and then hooted "MAKE THIS FOR EVERYONE MOM!"

So, I thought I'd share it with you all: Thai Chicken Lettuce Wraps

* 4 oz chicken (shredded or ground - I just cut mine into wee pieces)
* two tablespoons minced onion (I used more. I love onion)
* minced garlic - to taste (Use tons. Life is wonderful because Garlic is in it.)
* 1 minced serrano or jalapeno pepper (I used serrano)
* 2 tablespoons minced celery
* minced ginger root. If you don't have ginger root just put in a pinch of dry ginger
* 1 cup savoy cabbage (it's the kind that looks like wrinkled paper. Not stinky at all)
* 1/4 to 1/2 cup chicken broth
* juice of a lime or half a lemon
* cilantro - OMG Can I just take a moment to say bow much I love fresh cilantro? Chop it up.

Get out the wok or a big ol' skillet. Chop the chicken into wee bits. Brown it and then add onion garlic, ginger and celery. Cook for about 5 minutes or les. Add the pepper, and cabbage and broth. I laid the cabbage leaves sortof over the mixture and let the leaves steam. When the leaves get slightly wilted, fish them out. Add cilantro and lemon juice and cook another couple of minutes. Then serve this mixture on the cabbage leaves, which make these pretty little rolls. People will think you are a genius. And it's only 245 calories for the whole thing.

SMW is having a party for her darling husband, the Hilarious Pastor, on Saturday. It's his birthday. I am travelling again from Thurs through Sat afternoon for work. If I'm not just blasted tired, I think I'll make these in large quantity to bring to the party, so I have something I KNOW I can eat. I just have to not eat tooo many of them. My wee recipe made about four cabbage leaf roll thingies, btw.

I surrender slowly, but it's 9 days in and I haven't said "oh fuck it" just yet.

And that's something, isn't it?

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Decision

OK. I made a decision. I went to see my regular family physician Dr. C. I told her about my worries with the "homeopathic hcg" and she said "Come in to see me. I have a 5:45 appointment available." (What is it with things just being available when I really need them these days?) When I went in I was shocked. Dr. C had lost forty five pounds. She did it with the injectable "real hcg" - the kind you have to have a prescription for. She was very reassuring and I decided to change tactics and do the injectable hcg even though it will be a figurative and literal pain on the ass.

So. I am sitting here at the pharmacy awaiting my injectable stuff. DH will have to do the honors. BA said she will do it when we leave town again for work this Thursday. I feel relieved and then weirdly guilty. And no this was not because the scale didn't move this morong. I have been harboring doubts and I figure that if I feel that way it makes staying on program doubly hard. Dr. T said as much when I really questioned homeopathy.

At this point, my only question is if I now have to start all over with the fat loading days and so forth. I hope not. I suppose i'll just have to see how it goes.

It will be interesting to see if my loss numbers show a rate of change difference. But at least I will have confidence in the procedure I'm using. This is the procedure that I used two years ago when I lost so much weight and kept it off. Then dad died and then mother died and that was that. It is weird how you know you are putting weight back on but you somehow either cannot or will not do anything to stop the freefall. Well there's no place left to go but up.... or should I say DOWN from here.

My First No Loss Morning

Well I hit a wall. Good Scale cheerfully told me that I am still at 206.2 this morning. I did an extra vigorous scale dance but to no avail. Then I thought - perhaps it's because I used tomato paste (25 cal) in my "chili" last night. But when I put on clothes this morning, they did not seem as tight. So I soldier on.

So I did make an HCG version of chili for dinner. Took the leanest ground meat I could find, gave self 5 oz versus 4 oz. Put in canned tomatoes and tomato paste (for about 50 cals total) and requisite spices and onions and garlic and was in Chili Heaven. And ate my sad little wasa bread thingie as my "grain" of the day. While you can have fruit and veggies on this diet, there is NO BREAD. I started to whine to myself about that until I realized I have a friend (Sexy Minister's Wife SMW) who is gluten intolerant and her whole life is about not having wheat. So I chastised myself as a Huge Whiner and moved on.

Today: lovely scallops on the trusty George Foreman Grill, with saute spinach and grilled pear. YUM. This eating plan makes you totally get your five servings of fruit/veg a day. Indeed, if I just did that forever, perhaps the rest would fall into place! Or fall off my ass, so to speak.

Went back to Whole Foods yesterday. This time, I felt somewhat less like I did not fit in. Cashier remembered me. Lovely woman, Eve - looks about 60 but teeny and with red hair. Vibrant. Will make the post church Whole Foods thing a routine I think. Because I'm sick of spinach, I bought Swiss Chard (which I like) and Kale. The Kale looks precisely like the tough skin of a dinosaur. How to make it?

The other thing that seems to be working is coming home for lunch every day. I have missed the socialization time with friends, but I think I might save money in the end and clearly I can have control over how things are prepared. And I get to blog. And I get to play solitaire. And I get to not work/return phone calls while I stuff a burger and fries into myself at work.

I have found the HCG Diet page on Facebook. There is a list of recipes (besides chili) I am going to try. I think tonight is Asian Night for me. It's only been seven days on this thing. They say that if you go 21 days, you make a habit of stuff. Whew. Fourteen more to go, in that case. But actually, I am wanting to do this diet for a total of at least 28 days. If I am Super Woman, I would go six weeks but we'll see how I make it. This is not easy. And if that stupid scale doesn't budge tomorrow, I'm gonna be having a Come to Jesus Meeting with Dr. Todd.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Scale Addiction

Well I'm back from the trip to Oregon. It was wet.

The Travel Scale took on the personality of a friend who isn't really your friend at all. First of all, I followed program religiously and it said I gained two pounds. Then I would get on and off of it and it changed its mind about me every time. Stupid Travel Scale.

Travelling on this restricted diet is really really hard. I slipped with wine (but it was Oregon! It was Willamette Valley! It was wine!) but that's pretty much it. When I got home, the Good Scale gave me a little weight loss as my prize.

I am not sure about this HCG stuff. I'm not sure if what I have is a bunch of mumbo jumbo or not. But I am sure of one thing. I have done a couple of hard things in my life (graduate school, step parenting, anxiety) and I decided that I am not going to be victim to this fat. Fuck that. I feel like it holds me hostage or something. And that's pretty weird because unless I am completely wrong, this is under my control.

Well, perhaps not entirely in my control. I am aware that Big Agriculture is just like Big Pharma and Big Banking and Big Tobacco. They do not act in my or your best interest. Indeed, I know as well as anyone that salt and sugar and fat tell the brain to go in to that delicious orgasmic state that you get when you eat a really fabulous donut. I know that fast food joints are interested in you coming back to their restaurant and not really interested in you being healthy. California apparently has a new law that they have to put the Actual Calorie Count next to every single fast food item. There is a mexican pseudo fast food place in my state that is based in California. Before I started this diet, I went into that restaurant and I looked at the new labels that listed the calories of the things that I thought were healthy. I learned that every single plate was 1000 calories or more. The skinniest thing, the "Healthmex Burrito" was 500 calories. Fish tacos, the salads, they all were 1000 calorie plates.

Armed with this, I have started reading labels. How come everything has "high fructose corn syrup" in it? Because the corn industry is king in this country I guess. I'm not eating that crap anymore. No one can make me.

But dammit. Those cognitive habits have been laid down early and will take many many runs, including this one, to re-wire. (You'd think I'd know this).

In any event, my brain that never seems to stop has become fixated on the scale as evidence I am "doing this right." My sister who reads this blog Curious Sister (CS) reminded me that if you eat something salty or don't go to the bathroom, um, all the way - it's a pound. And that I need to chill out.

Still, the "good" (read: Non Travel Scale) scale knows I hop on it time and time again. Perhaps they need to make a scale that says "What are you doing back here again?" and "Getting on me over and over will not change the fact that you are fat." Except that even the Good Scale keeps giving me different readings when I step on it. Not as bad as the Bad Travel Scale, but still... and so I hop on and off. I hold my arms above my head, then hop off. Then hop on and put them to my sides. Then I put them in the form of a prayer, as if that will somehow make the scale magically say "Congratulations! You can throw away those size 18 pants and looky! Here are some sexy size 8's!"

Perhaps I am an impatient person. But maybe that's unfair too. I did stick with things like this marriage, parenthood, grad school, my practice, most of my friends, and so forth. Perhaps I need to just watch this process unfold.

The scale btw read 206.2 this morning. I'll take it.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

A Post from the Road

OK so I am writing this from the touchpad on my cell phone. Travelling for work and am in Oregon in a mid priced hotel. I managed to stay pretty close to program including not being able to finish my overpriced six ounce steak from the ever disappointing Outback Steakhouse. The waitress was in full on crack pusher mode what with her suggestions of cake and chocolate shake desserty things. BA (Beloved Assistant ) told her to get back to the high calorie hell from whence she came. I felt disgustingly full. And all I ate was salad w no dressing and broccoli and four oz of steak and one heavenly bite.of bread. I had literally prayed for help going in there because I was ravenous and god must have delivered because im still full. Go figure. Being on the road is hard because I can't stick to my routine. Thank goodness for BA. Now to watch cheesy tv and prep for tomorrow! XOXO TO ALL.OF YOU!!
@

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Weepy, Sneezy, Hungry and all of the other Dwarves

Had a dream about Dad last night. He looked so sad, but he sat with me and held my hand. It was one of those weird dreams where I woke up and believed that he had not died - just for a moment anyway. Wept to BA (Beloved Assistant) and FS (Fabulous Student) in my office this morning. Made it through an interview, then wept to Dr. T some more. Worried that homeopathic hcg is all a bunch of bogus shit, worried that this won't work for me, worried worried worried and sad. This is new for me because the past few months, I have worked well on being anxious and the sadness had passed.

So why all of these intense emotions now? Does losing weight make you feel emotional? Do we store more things in fat cells besides hormones and those nebulous things others call "toxins?" Perhaps all of the emotional intensity of the years 2008 to January 2010 are also leaking out into my blood stream, crossing the blood/brain barrier and wham - into my psychological state?

Weight was 208.4 this morning. My Western Medicine Mind rejects homeopathy and even the idea that feelings get stored somehow in the body. I want a chart and a graph and a test dammit.

I suppose that the weight loss is the test of this whole thing. And the blog is the medical chart of my psychological state. That will have to be comfort enough.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Photograph

A couple of days ago, when I started this weight loss journey, I did something I have never done before. I took what I hope will be a "before" photograph. Wearing the B.W.G.Panties, of course. Wow, it was really a humiliating yet refreshing experience. I just never look at myself - what with getting up, attempting to apply makeup, driving Darling Husband and the Boy to their schools (DH has returned to college, The Boy is in Elementary school) and making it to work by nine.

I look in the face mirror of course, and then the glance in the Big Mirror in the Hall for the "is there toilet paper sticking to my shoe? Have I tucked my skirt into my panty hose?" but never a full on picture like that.

I can't look at it much. But I did it.

The other thing that's different is that I went to Dr. T, whom I see every single day in our small building. In times past when I was on a weight loss kick, I avoided letting anyone really know about it, especially at work, because then when I invariably fell off the diet, they would "know" and then I'd feel pressured.

So, two things different than times in the past: Pictures and Dr. T.

Plus, the substance abuse literature says that the more times a person attempts rehabilitation, the better their outcomes for success in the long term. If you think about that literature in terms of other habit change, it might very well apply to weight loss and eating habits. I suppose then that practice makes perfect. Or at least thinner.

But I still can't really bring myself to look at those pictures.


Oh and by the way - this mornings weight was 210.6. Go figure. That's about five pounds. Of course it's all water as I was the High Priestess of the Bathroom all day and evening yesterday. But hey, I'll take it.

Monday, January 10, 2011

James Brown Live - Get up offa that thing

Eat a Damn Piece of Fruit. Just Eat It.

OK so check this out. The Fat Gorge Day yesterday was just gross. It was hard to do, which was weird. Ate pizza AND chicken wings for dinner, with apple juice. Today, 214.4. And feeling gross. So, since I don't have to be to work until 1:30 I went to the Whole Foods and shopped.

I always feel awkward in Whole Foods. This store is populated with people who LIKE vegetables and fruit. They really like it. They also like to do things like "run" and "bike" and "ski"... FOR FUN. The women have no makeup on and they look good. Like they just ran up a mountain and then came in for a tofu and watercress salad. I like to wear make-up. In the 1970's I put hot rollers in my hair Every. Single. Day. I want to be all nifty and natural, but then I can't stand it and want eyeliner.

And I hate fruits and vegetables. Honestly I really do. I have a host of food allergies. As a child I could not have citrus. I went to an allergist who said, after letting me in on the list of allergies I knew I had (all fur, all dust, all weeds, grasses and trees - I am not kidding), I also have allergies to raw broccoli, raw cauliflower, raw carrots, walnuts, avocado, and all melons. Well no wonder I don't like plant foods! If I cook the veggies, then it somehow makes the food not allergic anymore.

I have never craved a piece of fruit. Ever. Never Ever. I like MEAT. And some bread. But mostly meat and cheese. Maybe I am from another planet.

So, this morning, my breakfast is apples and strawberries. I tried to eat the grapefruit that Darling Husband (DH) brought home in a big bag from the store last week - but they were totally weird and gross. So it's strawberries and apples for me.

Good news. I found a sugar substitute that doesn't taste like metal and chemicals. It's called "Swerve." I don't know what it is, but I dipped the strawberry into it and actually enjoyed the berry. No calories in Swerve. Perhaps they lace it with cocaine or something. I bought organic chicken breast (Dr. T likes things to be organic) and some raw spinach and butter lettuce and some swiss chard. I bought a food scale.

And I bought a travel scale. I gave in. I will put the damn thing in my carry on when I travel for work later this week. Beloved Assistant (BA) who also has her own struggles with weight will be travelling with me. BA is one of my closest friends and is more like a sister. A really nice sister. She will provide support and encouragement on the trip.

Can you believe I bought a travel scale? I went into Bed Bath and Beyond and said "OK, if they have one of those stupid scales I'll get one, but if they don't then I'm bagging it." I literally ran into the display of travel scales. Maybe someone upstairs wants me to lose weight.

So today, I drank water, bought necessary dietary accouterments, ATE FRUIT (alert the media) and blogged here. I have started reading other people's blogs and have gotten inspired. One lovely woman talks about running ten miles. My first thought was the sense of my large boobs, flying all over the place and my asthma killing me, such that I'm a wheezing pile of lard at the side of the road and then the paramedics come and then the papers cover it because it's a slow news day and my pathetic self is displayed for all to see. Ten miles. If I ever run ten miles, at one time (not 20 feet a day for a hundred days) then I'm taking myself to Paris.

Right now, I'm just happy that I was able to eat a damn piece of fruit. For lunch, maybe I'll throw in a damn veggie.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

HCG - Is This Lunacy?

I have started the HCG diet. This is something I did before and it worked very very well, but then dad died in the middle of it and I've totally blocked it out. This time, no injections but instead a "homeopathic" version of the HCG. I am instantly worried that it will not be effective. Of course, I am instantly worried when the wind blows or if you change the channel, being an anxious sort of person. As it is, I'm game.

Step one: You have to eat like a hog for two days. So, as I only discovered this yesterday afternoon, I made decadent Eggplant Almond Enchiladas that are filled with cheese and then covered in cheese. Plus some cheese. And then more cheese. And I had two beers. If you knew me, you would know that I don't drink much alcohol let alone beer. After church today the pastor and his wife and Darling Husband and Good Friend C. and I all went to brunch where they had bloody marys (too damn spicy, can I just say that?) and I ate eggs benedict. Tasted good but Ugh. Too much fat in two days (and given that I love fat almost as much as air and water, this is saying something).

However, I have a wicked sinus headache so maybe that put a dent in my typical delight in eggs benedict - usually I have the urge to just roll around on the plate in a ecstatic state.

But I'm here again blogging because somehow it seems that it will keep me honest.

The HCG drops just taste nasty. I am wondering how this will work itself out. I'm supposed to travel for work later this week - how to do the strict diet and be out of town? Dr. T's "Guide to the HGC Diet" tells me to pack a "travel scale." WTF? I am NOT packing a travel scale. What IS a travel scale? I'm just gonna have to trust to the diet and self. Travel scale. Who thinks of these things? Skinny women who travel for business? Of course, perhaps the reason they are skinny is because they pack things like travel scales.

Maybe I'll go on the internet and see what travel scales look like. Or maybe I'll watch football and take a nap.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Fruit of the Loom

I have known that I needed to lose weight for quite some time now. I was on my way - had started a diet and was going strong when my Dad died and I got sad and forgot about all diets and gained forty pounds. However, it was in preparation for a New Year's Eve party when I found myself digging in my drawer for my "comfy panties" that I had a sort of awakening. The party was going to have nifty hors d'oeuvres, which meant that I found the stretchy pants and the long sweater to go over said pants. I have gotten so heavy that my panties were too tight. So I purchased Hanes and Fruit of the Loom large cotton panties because they were so comfy. The Hanes are not nearly as comfy as the FOTL. I was digging in my dresser because I had to find the FOTL panties. I noticed that when I could not find them, I was bummed. BUMMED ABOUT PANTIES which of course is just sick and sad and pathetic and wrong.

I took myself in hand. It is time to lose weight. I plan to do something creative with all of the large panties, once I am out of them. Perhaps a sail to put on the boat. Perhaps a parachute for the dog. Maybe a quilt for some kind of Large Panty Perv. Something.

In my office building is a naturopathic physician. Dr. T. I call him "T" because we practice near each other. Dr. T is like fifty five and hot. So is his lovely and sweet and normal wife. I went in and said "T., I am just too damn fat." He took pity on me. He made an appointment for me to see him Saturday. Yes, he will see me on a Saturday because he is like that.

However, he made me go to get my Body Mass Index done. He apparently does not have the equipment to do this, but some chiropractor he knows does. I go to said chiropractor, who looked about twelve. He attached some electrodes to me and then punched some numbers into a computer and then he clucked a bit (but not in a mean way) and let me know that I have the body composition of a Butterball Turkey. Or a really nice eclair. I am FORTY FIVE PERCENT FAT! This, of course was horrifying, but also kind of strangely amazing. This means that I can essentially lose something the equivalent of a fifth grader off of my body. Oh, and my weight. It is 215 pounds. I think there are football players lighter than me.

So, chin up, stand up straight, square shoulders, deep breath. I can do this. People do this every day. Wish me luck.