One Woman's Quest to Lose Large and Ugly Panties Forever

I've had it with ugly panties that fit my large behind. I'm done with clothes for the large woman that just aren't as cute as the clothes I wore twenty years ago. I'm tired of wheezing as I go up the stairs. I've got sixty pounds to lose - because on my fiftieth birthday, I'm dancing naked in a thong, dammit. And it better be pretty. This little bunny rabbit is hopping me down the weight loss lane. I wanted a pair of big granny panties rolling through the grass, but I'm not computer savvy.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Eat a Damn Piece of Fruit. Just Eat It.

OK so check this out. The Fat Gorge Day yesterday was just gross. It was hard to do, which was weird. Ate pizza AND chicken wings for dinner, with apple juice. Today, 214.4. And feeling gross. So, since I don't have to be to work until 1:30 I went to the Whole Foods and shopped.

I always feel awkward in Whole Foods. This store is populated with people who LIKE vegetables and fruit. They really like it. They also like to do things like "run" and "bike" and "ski"... FOR FUN. The women have no makeup on and they look good. Like they just ran up a mountain and then came in for a tofu and watercress salad. I like to wear make-up. In the 1970's I put hot rollers in my hair Every. Single. Day. I want to be all nifty and natural, but then I can't stand it and want eyeliner.

And I hate fruits and vegetables. Honestly I really do. I have a host of food allergies. As a child I could not have citrus. I went to an allergist who said, after letting me in on the list of allergies I knew I had (all fur, all dust, all weeds, grasses and trees - I am not kidding), I also have allergies to raw broccoli, raw cauliflower, raw carrots, walnuts, avocado, and all melons. Well no wonder I don't like plant foods! If I cook the veggies, then it somehow makes the food not allergic anymore.

I have never craved a piece of fruit. Ever. Never Ever. I like MEAT. And some bread. But mostly meat and cheese. Maybe I am from another planet.

So, this morning, my breakfast is apples and strawberries. I tried to eat the grapefruit that Darling Husband (DH) brought home in a big bag from the store last week - but they were totally weird and gross. So it's strawberries and apples for me.

Good news. I found a sugar substitute that doesn't taste like metal and chemicals. It's called "Swerve." I don't know what it is, but I dipped the strawberry into it and actually enjoyed the berry. No calories in Swerve. Perhaps they lace it with cocaine or something. I bought organic chicken breast (Dr. T likes things to be organic) and some raw spinach and butter lettuce and some swiss chard. I bought a food scale.

And I bought a travel scale. I gave in. I will put the damn thing in my carry on when I travel for work later this week. Beloved Assistant (BA) who also has her own struggles with weight will be travelling with me. BA is one of my closest friends and is more like a sister. A really nice sister. She will provide support and encouragement on the trip.

Can you believe I bought a travel scale? I went into Bed Bath and Beyond and said "OK, if they have one of those stupid scales I'll get one, but if they don't then I'm bagging it." I literally ran into the display of travel scales. Maybe someone upstairs wants me to lose weight.

So today, I drank water, bought necessary dietary accouterments, ATE FRUIT (alert the media) and blogged here. I have started reading other people's blogs and have gotten inspired. One lovely woman talks about running ten miles. My first thought was the sense of my large boobs, flying all over the place and my asthma killing me, such that I'm a wheezing pile of lard at the side of the road and then the paramedics come and then the papers cover it because it's a slow news day and my pathetic self is displayed for all to see. Ten miles. If I ever run ten miles, at one time (not 20 feet a day for a hundred days) then I'm taking myself to Paris.

Right now, I'm just happy that I was able to eat a damn piece of fruit. For lunch, maybe I'll throw in a damn veggie.


  1. LMAO! Love your blog!

    Ugh! I hate grapefruit. It makes me want to throw up! Maybe that's how the grapefruit diet works...?

    Thanks for stopping by my blog! Your comment made my day! =)

  2. honestly, you're doing great :) You can't rush loving food that may be foreign to you. I have a friend who hates crunchy veggies, but she has slowly but surely warmed up to the span of 2 years. You're taking great steps and making wonderful progress :)

    Also, I love meat SOOOOOO much..seriously..can't go a day without it. But I try to eat lean white meats (like you got :D) and make them interesting with seasonings and such. it works really well, and I feel happy as a result. (interesting fact, some meats contain amino acids that make you happier! Coincidence? I think not haha)

  3. I used to be just as perplexed by people who ran 'for fun'. Then last year I set a goal to run a half marathon. I had never even run a mile before. (And I am way bigger than you!)

    I managed to accomplish the goal with the support of some of the bloggers here. And you know what? I'm going for the full marathon this year! You can totally do this!


Thanks for your posts. It's the best reinforcement I can have that has no calories.