A Beagle's Worth of Fat Off My Ass

Finally. FINALLY. It's been about a month and I finally made it twenty pounds. It's a third of what I want to lose but it's OFF. This is the weight of an average beagle.

I had this infantile fantasy that somehow, I would happily diet along and that the weight would just FALL off and I would not notice it and that this would be easy.

Boy was I wrong. I feel like I have had to suffer and fight for every one of those pounds. It is daunting to think that this is only going to get harder as I get closer to goal weight and not easier. But it must be done. It MUST be.

Super Bowl Sunday is tomorrow - we are having SMW and the Hilarious Pastor over. SMW (Sexy Minister's Wife) is on a "belly diet" so that's a good thing - I'll have a partner in my healthful eating for the day. I am telling Darling Husband that the purchase of fattening Super Bowl Day foods will be up to him. I'm not even purchasing that shit.

Instead, I went to Whole Foods and today, I did not feel self-conscious at all. Indeed, TWO complete strangers struck up a conversation with me, and both gave me their cards. The first one was Ali, who owns the Middle Eastern Restaurant that I just adore. He noticed all of my greens. I let him know I was on a diet but that the first time I was able to eat at a restaurant, I was making a bee line for his place (his hummus is just to die for). He GIVES ME HIS CARD and says "No No, If you need your food prepared specially, just call me ahead of time. It's no problem." Then he said that I should not lose too much more weight, which of course was a lie, but it was a nice little flirty lie. The next person was by the Salsa Testing Table. She also noticed my Pile O' Kale and in her charming little New York Accent gave me a nifty recipe to prepare it and then we launched into a discussion of her job as a personal travel agent. She gave me her card and said that she would take my entire family to India or Peru. WOW.

Usually I am the one who approaches people, but this time, no. Perhaps I smell really nice today?

OK, back to drinking More Water. How much do you drink? Aren't we supposed to drink half our body weight in water, per day? Wow. I'd better get at it then.

Going to Dinner, Dammit

This phase of my weight loss involves this super low calorie diet. This is only for a period of forty days or so. It's like being in a dietary monastery and I really really like it. Not many choices, lots of structure and lots of prayer (me, praying before I step on the Good Scale each morning).

I know that this phase is temporary and designed to help me withdraw from old eating patterns and become ready to incorporate new ways of thinking. This goes along merrily until an old friend from out of town came into town. We are, of course, taking her out to dinner. I am, of course, anxious. I looked at the menu. WOW, it looks deeelicious. However, I'll have to be one of "those" diners who ask for special treatment with the preparation of the food. And because I'm a FAT HOG, I will feel all self conscious, as if they will be saying to themselves, "poor fat thing trying to eat in a particular way to lose weight... it's hopeless." Now I realize that this is all really really bad self talk. I know that people don't give a rat's ass about my size, my order or what. I have been told that I am particularly charming with waiters, so likely the waiter will happily abide by my requests. It's just that being fat has been such a presence in my life. I hate hate hate drawing attention to it with strangers, with my special dietary requests.

I am not a shy person. Except in the area of the corpus - the body - the physical. Then, I just want to hide.

OK friends who have lost a bunch of weight and are now no longer viewed as obese by the public: How does it feel? When do you stop feeling self conscious? Ever?

In any event, I've pounded water today and had two egg whites, plus one egg. That should be low calorie enough to help me not totally fuck up my SLOW (but generally steady) weight loss.

The Good Scale read 195.4 today. It needs to give me my TWENTY POUND MARK DAMMIT.

Wish me luck.

The Plateau is Broken.. At Least for Now

After eating a very minimal amount yesterday, and drinking an ocean of water, the Good Scale begrudgingly gave me 195.8 as my reward. YES. I can now say I'm 19 pounds down. Of course, I'm already obsessing about how nice it would be to say I was 20 pounds down. Twenty just sounds so much better, doesn't it? Of course, that leads me into the fantasy land of thirty and then my brain is off to the future races instead of focusing on the here and now.

Curious Sis called me. She has started the HCG diet and has lost seven pounds in six days. She is pleased. She informed me that Writer Sis has also decided to do this. WS is hilarious. I hope she starts a weight loss blog because she'll entertain us all with it. I am awaiting WS's results as well. How weird, our parents die and then all three sisters decide to take off what should end up being about 250 pounds total, if we all make our goals. Hate to say it, but there's nothing like having your parents die that makes changes, both for bad (when I gained 50 pounds from 08 to 10) and good (like losing 19 pounds as of today).

DBoy and I did Just Dance 2 on the Wii again this morning. My large ass is sore. It was totally fun. I actually broke a sweat and DID NOT WANT TO STOP. This is amazing. I hate to move - unless it's raising a fork to my mouth or turning a page. Yet I did not want to stop. I consider this a huge victory.

Now it's lunch time. I'm starving - what else is new - and am headed home to my secret lover George Foreman and four ounces of lean protein. AHHHH.

Moving My Ass

Well, I have been dithering about movement. I have not moved myself, really effectively, in about a year - or more. Like it is everywhere, it's totally freezing here. And with our intermittent horrible air, (like breathing liquid library paste mixed with gasoline) I have had no urge to go on any walks. Asthma would protest if I did that.

So, Darling Boy convinces me to get one of those Wii games in which you dance. We did. Last night we held our Wii remotes and boogied down to songs from many eras. I BEAT HIM because I could not do all of the foot actions and craftily made sure the hand actions were on target. That and I did Jazzercise in the 80's and when all of these 80's song choices came on, I was FABULOUS. It rather pissed off DB, as he is a dancer and was sure he would beat me.

We did this last night at 8:30 PM. DB says "Let's get up in the morning early and do this again! Wake me up at 6:45!" I have created an 11 year old personal trainer in my very own house. True to form, we both got up, and we did this dance thing again for about 35 minutes. It was fun. I was able to shower and go to work afterward (where I am now, btw.) My Large Fluffy Ass is sore already.

So, movement has entered my life, and just in time, too, because the scale refuses to budge, even when I am so incredibly on program that it should have NO CHOICE but to go down. Good Scale told me "You are still 198.0 today. So suck it up and deal with it. Stop swearing at me because I am refusing to move." The Good Scale can be quite aggressive when it wants to be. I know, I am mildly psychotic because I talk to the Scale and it talks back.

Will pound water, eat boiled egg for lunch and go to Court today. Dammit. I will continue this until the DAMN SCALE DOES BUDGE!!!!

Growing Up

Well, I've been at this 198.5ish weight for a couple of days now. HCG people will describe this as a plateau because the expectation on this Very Low Cal Diet (VCLD) is to lose about a pound a day. I remain skeptical about the clear limitations of different sorts of veggies (e.g. asparagus yes, mushrooms no, and "don't mix vegetables at the same meal") and of types of carbs (apple yes and pear no). Yet when I vary, even just a wee bit, on this diet, I see a gain or in this instance a plateau. My "varying" last night was that I added about six canned artichoke hearts to my salad yesterday and did not eat any fruit. Boom, up a half a pound.

Given my peri menopause status, there is no regular Time of the Month (TOM) for me. Estrogen patch and Progestin have seen to that. So I can't blame it on some natural fluctuation, I don't think.

Today, I vow to stick exactly to the program and not to waver one single bit. I will BEAT this fucking plateau. Period. I am more powerful than food, dammit.

I also woke up at three in the morning and could not get back to sleep. I drank water and turned on the TV to watch two episodes of the new series "Heavy." What a terrific show. Very realistic. Very poignant. Very Very inspiring. It helps to realize that chocolate cake really and truly does have to be a thing of the past. Not just for now, but forever. This doesn't mean that I can't ever eat a single bite of chocolate cake again, but honestly, it has 800 calories in it. How can I justify that in a life of healthy eating and good choices?

I wonder if there is a certain amount of grieving for the unconscious eating style days - where I literally split off the fact that I was poisoning myself in favor of the opiod receptor comfort of fat/salt/sugar. I think there might be. Honestly, the ability to make good eating choices seems to fall under the "Personal Maturity" label for me. Part of being a grownup is eating like a grownup, instead of an impulsive, petulant child. It's the same part that finally learned to pay bills on time, show up for work on time, get homework done, play nice, and all of that. Well I have to grow up sometime and be a real woman and not a girl. This is part of it.

It also allowed me to find new sources of pleasure that are not food related. Like this blog. Like playing with wool. Like singing in a choir. And going to art museums. And hugging my boys (big and small).

Weight loss and health cannot be a project, like you would consider a remodel of a house. It has to be embraced and internalized. Like the way Spring just sortof creeps up and before you know it, there's leaves on the tree where you swore there weren't any just a few weeks ago. Just like growing up.

Whine about Wine

OK I won't whine. I am not deprived. I am fat and am doing a program of healthy and very low calorie eating in order to not be fat any more.

But when I try to fool myself and think that a glass of wine will take the carbs place of two apples, my HCG diet calls bullshit on me.

Had a .5 lb GAIN yesterday. ARG! I was on program but added the wine in place of the apple. I am also hoping that this was related to salt I put into my yummy chicken thai wraps.

So, ate well today and am pounding water like there is NO TOMORROW. Question: does drinking alot of water help to flush out overeating salt? I am hoping so. And another thing. Since when did it happen that I pee every time I cough, sneeze or laugh? And don't tell me to do those "Kegels" because I have a, um, vice like grip. Drinking all this water makes this pee issue all the worse. ARG.

Work was intense intense intense today. Suffice it to say that I was able to help a couple of little girls in a very big way, such that their lives will be forever different and oh so very much better. I thanked God over and over for things working out well (we brokered the deal at a settlement and did not have to go to a gnarly court hearing about it). I felt really grateful that I am allowed to be in this kind of position in my career. I will bitch and moan about the trials (literally) and tribulations of my work, but today was the tops.

One-derland.

The Good Scale reads 197.6 this morning. I have broken 200 pounds. And for the first time, I told my husband how much I really weigh. He didn't bat an eye.

I never want to see a "200" on the scale again. I recognize that my weight could fluctuate five pounds up tomorrow if I eat a bunch of salt, etc. But this feels like a true milestone. Seventeen pounds (and in only twenty-three days). The best thing about a really low calorie diet is that it's typically very gratifying such that you hang on for one more day, just to see if you can make the next wee milestone. My next wee milestone is 195, because that's twenty pounds. That is TWO cats off my ass.

Here's another milestone. I went out to a restaurant for breakfast after DBoy had a costume fitting (he is in a professional production of Sleeping Beauty). Boy was hungry, DH was hungry and I was too. We go to the Olympian, which is a wonderful family owned Greek breakfast place, like a Village Inn. Only better. Haven't been to Olympian for awhile. I always got the chicken fried steak and eggs, with two biscuits and butter and honey and hash browns. And juice.

There was nothing remotely dietary on this menu. So, I created a vegetarian omelette made with two egg whites and one egg yolk. No cheese. Fresh tomato, green pepper, onion and (gasp!) mushrooms inside. Nixed the side of toast and hash browns that came with it in favor of a half of a cup of blueberries - in part because I love blueberries and in part because this was the ONLY fruit they had that did not come in a can of syrup.

I also had coffee and went a wee bit off program by putting in one of those little dealies of cream.

Breakfast was glorious. I was completely stuffed. This was a milestone for me for all kinds of reasons. First, I determined to make a healthy choice and I did. Next, I asked very specifically for special treatment at this restaurant, because I was not going to settle for the "closest" thing on the menu to my program instead of the perfect thing for my program.

I felt powerful and healthy and assertive.

And I am no longer in the 200 pound range.

And Darling Boy has reported no headaches for the past eighteen hours or so.

AND I'm going to the wool shop today to get more stuff to make woolly pretties with.

All in all a "One-derful" Day.