One Woman's Quest to Lose Large and Ugly Panties Forever

I've had it with ugly panties that fit my large behind. I'm done with clothes for the large woman that just aren't as cute as the clothes I wore twenty years ago. I'm tired of wheezing as I go up the stairs. I've got sixty pounds to lose - because on my fiftieth birthday, I'm dancing naked in a thong, dammit. And it better be pretty. This little bunny rabbit is hopping me down the weight loss lane. I wanted a pair of big granny panties rolling through the grass, but I'm not computer savvy.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Weepy, Sneezy, Hungry and all of the other Dwarves

Had a dream about Dad last night. He looked so sad, but he sat with me and held my hand. It was one of those weird dreams where I woke up and believed that he had not died - just for a moment anyway. Wept to BA (Beloved Assistant) and FS (Fabulous Student) in my office this morning. Made it through an interview, then wept to Dr. T some more. Worried that homeopathic hcg is all a bunch of bogus shit, worried that this won't work for me, worried worried worried and sad. This is new for me because the past few months, I have worked well on being anxious and the sadness had passed.

So why all of these intense emotions now? Does losing weight make you feel emotional? Do we store more things in fat cells besides hormones and those nebulous things others call "toxins?" Perhaps all of the emotional intensity of the years 2008 to January 2010 are also leaking out into my blood stream, crossing the blood/brain barrier and wham - into my psychological state?

Weight was 208.4 this morning. My Western Medicine Mind rejects homeopathy and even the idea that feelings get stored somehow in the body. I want a chart and a graph and a test dammit.

I suppose that the weight loss is the test of this whole thing. And the blog is the medical chart of my psychological state. That will have to be comfort enough.


  1. so from a girl, SWM ( not single white male), that knows how you resist the belief in in all things natural or super natural. Resist, but I know what your heart and soul say about these things. And cleansing is cleansing. And those of us who have been thru a lot of shit, tend to depend on food to make us feel better.And then have to pay the consequences later. the consequences of not completely dealing with all of our baggage and shit because we have decided to love food--- and not always very good food--- instead of our amazingly sexy, strong, capable selves.
    SO of course we are having issues dealing with our emotional selves these days of cleansing.
    Pray and keep getting rid of those toxins and those demons that we have dealt with as well as we thought.
    and thank you for reminding why i am eating roasted brocolaflower.

  2. Oh Robbin - you fabulous fabulous friend. I wonder if Dad came for a visit. I wonder if the sadness of Dad and Mom (who died a year ago this Friday) is stored in some weird memory in the fat cells, and like an aroma of an old perfume bottle when opened - the feelings come flooding back? I do notice that when I lose weight, I have a metallic taste in my mouth. So something is stored in those fat cells besides fat!

  3. Hi GP...I've lost both my parents, too, and I just don't believe anyone is every completely prepared for those particular good-byes. No matter how much love and friendship we have in our lives, the truth is no one will ever know you or love you like your parents did. That dream must have been very emotional for sounds like you have are working through a lot. I look forward to supporting one another.

  4. Probably the dream brought all of those emotions to the surface. You mind trying to work things out in your sleep. I know how that goes. Just the fact you're blogging and getting it OUT is healing. I know it doesnt seem like it but unloading here has to help mentally,physically and weight loss wise. I think you need to call it PROGRESS because it's a step in the right direction getting those feeling out! Good luck, I know I need some luck too :) Thanks for taking the time to comment on my blog!

  5. Hey gal! Hope you're having a better day. I have a lot of nightmares, and sometimes my dreams get disrupted.

    As for the whole storing in the body thing..your western medicine mind is half right half wrong haha. Our emotions tend to release stress hormones called cortisol, which causes us to gain weight a lot of times, especially when you approach menopause or when your metabolism starts to drop. However, burning fat off doesn't release toxins into your blood, or cause that stress to come back haha, that's silly

    However, your body tends to have sort of a stress memory foam of sorts, which is another reason why exercise is effective. When you go through a really stressful event (in your case right now, weight loss), your body will bring up memories that are also stressful. I know now that I'm losing weight a lot of my nightmares are of when I was suicidal, when i've had problems with my parents, etc. When I said exercise is effective here, when you put your body through the stress of a work out, it releases endorphins and starts to make you happy. If your body starts associating your stress with that kind of stress, it can be really beneficial.

    Honestly, you're doing great. I don't know about this diet, but..I think for you to really succeed, you should approach this as 'I need to live the rest of my life like this'..because once you're done with a diet, you go off a diet..if you make a permanent CHANGE to your way of eating and being'll always be that way

    Stay careful and have a great day

    <3 Dani


Thanks for your posts. It's the best reinforcement I can have that has no calories.