Time Flies

I am just loving reading everyone's blogs. Most blogs seem to come from normal people who are using the forum to keep them honest, connect with others who are on the same journey and get the social support we ALL need at times to stay sane in this pursuit of health. And then there are other bloggers - none of whom I follow - who seem to just DITHER FOREVER. Lots of what seem like attempts but then - piffle. And that is OK, honestly it is. But I find myself getting sortof snotty when I read it.

I think I am projecting my own anxiety about starting the next diet phase of limited food choices and hunger and am must projecting it onto those people. Perhaps I worry that I will become one of those people. I am ambivalent about this next weight loss section because let's face it, weight loss SUCKS. It's never easy, it never allows you to just "eat what you want" unless you WANT diet food, which I do not. It asks you to be more active (and this is something I am truly and honestly dreading). I will have to drink more water. Sigh. I will have to increase regimentation, which I am absolutely able to do, but OH, I got so bored on HCG in the past that I admit I dread it.

I have been faithful to the program I started in early January, including taking six weeks off of the restrictive part and NOT lose more weight, but to consistently maintain it.

And those six weeks are drawing to a close.

And now I have to face the fact that 188 is NOT ALL THAT MUCH BETTER THAN 215 - well, OK it is, but not like others' losses of 100 pounds or more. I mean it's better than 300 or something, health wise, but let's face it: It's time to get ON with it. Jeez, I'm acting like I'm going to have to feel miserable and limited and whining forever. Hell what's another four to six weeks of hard HCG or less hard but longer Other More Reasonable plan?

SO, what program should I go on? The HCG plan is very do-able and extremely effective, but it's odious. I am considering Weight Watchers. I am also planning on asking Allan about his Challenge as well. What are all of you doing out there? Atkins? South Beach? Limiting calories and eating generally healthily?

I need to choose a program that allows for at least one pound and preferably two pounds per week weight loss. And I need to do it pretty damn soon.

Still Here

I'm in a boring place. I'm in this "maintain your weight" place and lo and behold, I'm maintaining it. If I drink margaritas with the pastor, then I have to watch my intake of food for a couple of days. That's it. It is gloriously boring.

But the six weeks are coming to an end and I am looking to drop another twenty pounds. Weirdly, this is becoming anxiety provoking. Dieting is fucking miserable at times. I am having anticipatory anxiety about it, which is stupid.

I am thinking - do I go back on Crazy HCG? Do I do Allan's challenge? If I can't have meat and chicken on Allan's challenge, then will I be sad? What program? I am comfy and not comfy where I am now. I am still too fat. But I'll admit, I'm not looking forward to the deprivation parts of any calorie restrictive program that I will have to do, if I'm headed down the scale.

ARG.

Oh well, enough whining. If this is my biggest problem, then I'm DAMN LUCKY. And the sun is sortof shining, and more snow is not predicted until tomorrow. And it's officially Spring, so hey, I'll start researching programs and let you know.

GP

Sugar Ingested. Ugh.

The Fucking Girl Scouts.

Well, OK it's not their fault. And it's not Darling Husband's fault. He tried to hide the box of cookies but I, with my unerring radar for cookies, found them. And then lickety split, ate two of them. The peanut butter kind. And had a large glass of delicious milk.

And about two hours later, I had the absolute worst headache of my entire life. It was horrible. Is that just a coincidence or is that sugar rushing in? This was on the heels of being at sweet Uncle George's birthday. He served his father in law's (who is Italian and about 85 years old) home made pizza. The father in law (Grandpa P) looked at all of us anxiously to see if we enjoyed it. I had one piece. It was fabulous. I was in Carb Heaven. And then the Polish Birthday Cake was served. I had a small piece. It was a home made thing of cinnamon and chocolate and flour and cocaine and money and sex and and and ... you get the drift. And then I came home and had those fucking Girl Scout Cookies.

And a headache.

I got on the scale and it was up a pound. That is OK given that I'm supposed to hang out at 190 for six weeks to "reset my metabolism" which I still wonder about. But OK, I'll hang.

Today was better. Ate poached eggs, a piece of wheat toast, delicious coffee with cream (not much but enough to make a point). Had a bite of friend's hash browns. Not impressed with the hash browns.

Then was full all day (duh with the carb fest of the day before, no wonder). And ate salad with scallops and my FAVORITE MISO DRESSING and a small bit of bacon crumble and asparagus and hearts of palm and saute' shallot and a zillion kinds of greens. And mushrooms.

I'm still full. Thank God I'm back on track. I actually prayed this morning to get some help with not having any more "food fuckery" as one of my favorite bloggers calls it.

I was disconcerted at falling off the wagon in this way. I wasn't having any particular leanings or cravings. I just impulsively said YEAH YOU BET and consumed like a hog a mite.

But today, we're back in the saddle.

I am just wondering what going back to a real diet will be like when the next two and a half weeks are up. I think I can do it. I'm not sure what "IT" will be, but I'm game to keep going!

But no more Fucking Girl Scout Cookies.

Besides, I was a Camp Fire Girl. We hated the Girl Scouts anyway.

Holding Steady Redux

It's a weird quiet period for me. I am truly holding steady with the 25 to 27 pounds I lost in that initial six weeks. It still is not hard at all. I keep thinking "Let's DIET HARD" but then I think "Well hell. This crazy plan worked for me - I need to stick to the plan, even if I'd rather just go nuts and diet like mad." In the end, perhaps learning to stay stable is as important as learning to take it off. I mean to say that I have to stop treating eating like a summer science project. This is a life long change for the better. So perhaps in the grand scheme of things, having to maintain a weight for six weeks not only "resets the metabolism" (allegedly, this truly may be a total bunch of bullshit) but it reminds me that this is how life is and will be forever.

And it's not hard.

I have been reading my favorite blog by Allan. This guy really gets it. He notes that Fat is like CANCER. I wholly concur in that a) fat is shown to increase cancer risk and b)fat, like cancer, will kill you. Period. I believe that this is a battle for health in the same way that a person with cancer battles for his or her life. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

And this is the program I've selected, so I'm on the thing, and it's working. I have maintained my loss. I am not hungry. I don't eat like a stupid idiot. I don't eat bad shit. I do drink a glass of wine, I will admit. I have also eaten a portion of bread per day (like a piece of whole wheat bread). No candy. No soda. No fucking fast food.

It is not hard.

I am intensely curious about why it WAS hard before? Is it just being unconscious for so long and then waking up? Is it something about finally growing up?

I don't know. But you can bet I'm damn grateful.

Preacher and his Sexy Wife (it just continues to kill me that I, the least religious person I know, have formed a happy friendship with these wonderfully intelligent and erudite and hilarious two folks) have invited us over for dinner. He said "Bring Dessert."

Recently, the concept of bringing dessert would have totally freaked me out. Now I am thinking "Sexy Preacher Wife is gluten intolerant. I'll bet there's something I can get her at Whole Foods." I have no urge or intention to eat the dessert. I never was much of a dessert person anyway. I'd rather eat cheese, for the same calorie exchange.

The menu for this evening? Chicken, Veggies and likely Potatoes or some starch, and Said Dessert. I have no urge for potatoes. I have a craving for Veggies (I KNOW! I HATE VEGGIES!!!)

This is not hard.

It's miraculous, but not hard.

Thanks to all of you whom I read for inspiration, lecture, appropriate shaming, and courage. And thanks to the couple of blogs I stalk to remind me what Pure Insanity is. This is a journey we all take. It's not hard, not really. Not anymore.

Beautiful

I have these girlfriends who are stunningly beautiful. It's not their fault. They can't help it. And they are as beautiful on the inside as they are on the outside. One is a ballet mistress who is just as lovely as a spring day. She's positive, happy, sensitive and really really smart. Oh and completely beautiful. And TINY of course. The other is a newscaster. My age (which is closer to 50 than 40) but you would never know it. Slender, perfect smile, and again, so so smart.

I just love spending time with both of them. And here's the thing - you know how all the thin and pretty girls in movies are supposed to be the ones who make the fat chick feel bad? I NEVER feel bad around them. They are so positive and upbeat and kindly, that you just forget your fatness and your double chins and simply CONNECT. And they have their own fears and hopes and worries. Including romantic ones. Sometimes I want to shake them and say, ARE YOU KIDDING? You are such a catch! How can you not see it? But I know what it's like to be lacking in hope or confidence in many areas and so I (I think wisely) shut my mouth.

Today I realized that my physically beautiful friends are that way both by luck but also by CHOICE. They take care of themselves with great responsibility. Today, I had lunch with my News Friend who ordered a salad and avoided most of the roll that came with it. She's not on a "diet" at all. She just eats that way. My other friend mentioned that when she had a bunch of carbs because of random events (like family gathering meals) she felt gross. She's CERTAINLY not on a diet. These women are not eating disordered. They do not focus on food or weight or appearance. Instead, they are respectful of their bodies and treat themselves well.

And the result? Beautiful. Inside and Out.

OK all, have a weekend in which you, too, treat yourself like the beautiful, valuable person we all know you are.

xoxo GP

The New Normal

Following program and holding steady, just as Dr. T requested. It's weird to be continuing on past the two month mark in weight loss, because I have always been a Good Time Charlie when it comes to lifestyle/eating issues - which is why I'm a hog-a-mite. When I walk away, it looks like two pigs fighting in a sack. But I digress.

So, I am dutifully eating my low carb, high protein food. And it's NOT a big deal at all. I slowly add in carbs - not too many - and see what the scale says. If I add in too many, the scale tells me to knock it off and I stop. I haven't had soda pop forever. I have learned to tolerate salad. It's weird, because it's not that weird at all. Sortof like learning to shop at Whole Foods and not feel like an impostor.

It's the New Normal. And I think I'm learning to like it quite a bit.

At least today, anyway.

TWENTY FIVE POUNDS

Finally. FINALLY. I have broken OUT of the 190s. You should have seen me do the scale dance last night when I got up to pee at 2 AM and then decided to weigh, because hey, why not just see if the scale has changed its mind since midnight (it hadn't). But this morning, 189.4! And there was much rejoicing!

I think I'm losing a bit more than I did in the last dreadful days of the limited calorie diet, and I'm a hell of a lot happier. I started eating breakfast again, which is just a wonderful thing if you had no breakfast for forty days. FORTY DAYS of low calories. I was wandering in the desert for FORTY DAYS and then Moses appeared and led me to the land of 1000 calories and I am much happier.

Dr. T said that I have a couple of choices: 1) I can maintain my weight for six weeks and then go back on HCG and so forth again or 2) I can just keep eating this normal diet, sans many carbs for six weeks and lose slowly. The Fat Jury is still out on that. I will see if, by eating healthily but not carbily, the weight stabilizes or not. If it does, then Hello HCG at the end of March. If I keep walking nicely down the Lard Hill then perhaps I'll just keep on walking until I plateau and, if desperate, consider another forty days in the food desert.

Either way, I am just glad that the first twenty five are gone. I would like to lose at least forty more, but when I think about it, it seems overwhelming. SO, I think about getting to a thirty pound loss. Hell, it's only 4 and a half pounds from here, right? I can do that. And at that point, then I'll only need thirty five more to get to a weight of 150 or so. Does anyone else play weird math games in their head like this?

As it is, here is what I ate yesterday:
eggs for breakfast
steak (small) plus salad for lunch
scallops and spinach for dinner
a breadstick (grissini - the HCG little wimpy kind) plus a teaspoon of almond butter for snack.
Tons of water, iced tea and even coffee.

Today, I had a big breakfast of an organic chicken sausage (150 cal) and one egg (70 cal) plus half a grapefruit (who know what calories. Grapefruit was a disappointment in taste btw) and again, my grissini plus teaspoon of almond butter.

At the suggestion of a friend on here, I banned peanut butter to the back shelf (as it is a legume, not a nut) and bought almond butter (which is just lovely - it's like inviting an elegant cousin who is an art dealer in new york to come for a visit, after you just showed your cousin from oklahoma who just got out of jail the door) AND cashew butter (which is like the cousin who has lived in the middle east for the past ten years who comes to visit you and kisses you on BOTH cheeks and it's not weird or affected at all).

NOTE: I have no cousins who are art dealers in new york or have lived in the middle east. I think everyone has a cousin who has been in jail, haven't they?

Still, I will have to go light on lunch as I am headed to a party tonight and will have to drink a vat of water in order to steel myself in the face of what will be excellent booze and even better snackies. But hey, it's just food. It's not like I'll never have access to a cheesy canapé again, right? Sometimes I forget that just because I am on a major diet for what will clearly be a (life)long period of time, it's not like they will say "HEY! She's finally gone! Let's lose the recipes for everything that has ever been even potentially delicious!" Jeez.

OK, off to think about cleaning the house (NOT), making a scarf (LIKELY) and other ways to avoid writing a report.

Keep that water flowing IN and OUT!

Feels Miraculous Today

OK, so it's day 2 on the part of the diet where you eat more food but still stay away from carbs. Weirdly, my weight loss picked up today, e.g. lost a pound from where I was yesterday. WTF?

I ate breakfast (two eggs) and lunch (steak and salad, with blue cheese, yum) and dinner (mexican shrimp and salad) and ate about 5 tortilla chips w/salsa. And had a sip of DH's margarita. And lost a pound.

I am not questioning - I am just going with it. I am not hungry. I am not dizzy and I do not feel deprived. Indeed, I'm sitting here trying to eat an apple or two because I know I need the fruit and fiber after yesterday's Protein Heaven.

Weird Weird Weird.

Have been stalking others' blogs and getting proper inspiration. Some folks have lost almost 200 pounds. Some have lost a ton of weight have have kept it off for years and years. One gal talked about slowly changing her cognitive habits about food so that healthy choices for eating and exercise became second nature. She also talked about food boundaries as food SAFETY not food SHACKLES. I love that so much.

I also read Allen's blog, "Almost Gastric ByPass" which I recommend to anyone who hasn't seen it yet. He writes for himself, not for anyone else and he is courageously honest with himself and with others who come his way. He is a good reminder that this weight loss thing is a daily habit, a constant hike, not a quick sprint. For me, who lost weight quickly in the beginning, reading him is like a psychological tonic.

OK, off to run errands as my morning client (who was booked for three hours) cancelled!

xxoox GP

Ready for the Next Phase

Well, the crazy shots have ended. I have eaten about 500 calories a day for around 40 days. I had some days where I blew this off somewhat. My weight loss was initially really really fast, and then it slowed to a crawl. I decided that indeed, it was time to move to the next phase of the HCG diet.

Now, I am supposed to continue to eat the No Carb Diet for three more weeks, but with much more protein. After three weeks, I can begin to slowly introduce carbs (I already recognize this will be a challenge). The most frustrating thing is that my weight is SUPPOSED TO STAY THE SAME for the next six weeks because I am "resetting my metabolism." This bums me out because I really don't want my metabolism set at 190 pounds. However, this is the program so I am going to stay true to it. Another blogger that I really like to follow, Allen, says something along the lines of it not mattering exactly which program you are on, but staying with it, day after day, week after week, and in the end, year after year - that's what matters.

I am still bummed that I'm not supposed to lose weight - nor gain it more than a two pound variation - for six weeks. Oh well. There are worse things.

On better news, I am sitting here in a pair of size 12 jeans, and again muffin toppage is minimal compared to even last week.

So, I have to see patients and then find some time to go back to Whole Foods, all re-energized, so that I can attack this phase with the same gusto that I have had the past six weeks.

I ate some cold chicken breast that was grilled from yesterday for my breakfast/lunch. It's a holiday but I'm still seeing clients because I forgot it was - but I didn't have them on the schedule this morning, so DH and I laid in bed and watched old movies with Bette Davis in them. Lovely. I also had some peanut butter and my minimal grissini stick to eat. Sometimes, remembering to eat gets in the way. My downfall has always been planning. Sigh.

Still, I can continue to chug water, read blogs, marvel at the fact I can zip up the size 12's from Ann Taylor loft (I'm sure it's because these jeans run large though) and look out to see snow on the ground, and sun in the sky. That's not too bad, now is it?

Afraid to Eat?

I know, I know. Me? Afraid to eat? The end of the injection portion of this diet is fast approaching. You are supposed to eat the 500 cal per day diet for two more days after the shots end, and then start increasing your calories, but still omit carbs. I have grown very accustomed to this low calorie thing. I have started to notice this weird fear that if I eat more calories, I will gain weight again.

I recognize that this is foolish.

I recognize that if I eat 800 to 1000 calories a day at 191 pounds, I am not going to gain weight.

But I still worry. Really worry.

This limited calorie thing has actually worked for me, like nothing else has. But it's unreal and has to be temporary. I liked being in a Food Monastery. Brother George Foreman and I have grown close during this six week period.

Well, there's nothing for it but to pull up these Big White Granny Panties like a Big Cowgirl and deal.

I still think it's kind of funny that I am loathe to eat more food - given that I used to (metaphorically speaking) roll around naked in a pile of pizza and hamburgers at the drop of a hat.

Weird weird weird.

Slippery Slope

Well, travelling this past weekend to sunny San Diego made it extremely difficult to stay on plan. I ate extremely well, but for SOMEONE NOT ON AN HCG DIET PLAN. The worst thing I did was eat a few chips and salsa. Had salads every meal. Ate eggs and fruit. No cheese to speak of. No sodas, no candy. Still put on 2.5 lbs from Friday morning until Tuesday morning.

I know what I need to do. And that is to not panic and say "oh fuck it, I'm sick of this" which of course, I am. If I am driving to San Francisco California and I make a wrong turn, and end up headed towards Beaver, Utah, this does not mean that I must inevitably drive all the way to Beaver. (Yes, Beaver, Utah is a real place). Instead, I make a U turn and get back on I 80 West, dammit.

So, the U turn is that there will be no more off program carbs for the next week. I have one more week or so of the shots left on this crazy diet. Then I'm on a more calorie plan that STILL limits carbs. That goes for between three to six weeks, depending what you read. During that period, I will be interested to see how my weight loss (or maintaining of the loss I have had) goes. What I do not want to do is lose hope or motivation.

So, back at the blog, confessing, confessing, confessing. I will be happy to leave this diet and move onto more normal healthy eating styles. But the days of mindless gnawing on stuff - those are long gone.

What does everyone else do when they make a slip? Both in your head and in your behavior?

Steady On

Well, so far, so good. Down 23 pounds. Every pound is a battle. Not as big a battle as those facing financial ruin, cancer, divorce, etc. But still, a wee battle in my head. I have been thinking about the sensation of hunger lately. Until now, I have always treated hunger like a sort of a crisis. I HAVE to eat! I MUST eat! Let's not think about the 80-90 pounds that I carry around that I could burn at any moment - oh no. Instead, let's decide that if I don't eat THIS MINUTE I will die. Now, I understand that starving and then eating a bunch of bad stuff isn't the way to go. But detaching the panic, stricken, anxious and/or petulance that has accompanied hunger - that's the trick for me I think.

Decreasing whining also helps tremendously.

Isn't it interesting that when you stop thinking about food so much, there is room for other stuff to do and think about?

Of course, my temptations are everywhere - the latest is Carl's Junior Chicken Strips. Real white meat, very very delicious, not made of "Chicken Paste" as the crap at McDonald's is... with mustard sauce. YUM. But guess what? A three portion serving (which is modest) is 380 Calories! Holy Hell. For those? Really? Screw that.

The end of this HCG portion of my diet is approaching in about 10 days or so. I am curious about where the weight will be at that point. I'd really like to be into the 180's - but who knows. What's important is that the next phase is higher calorie but still really healthy eating and still no carbs. After that, I can decide to go back on the VLCD again, complete with shots, or not. At least, for today, I am 191.8. At least, for today, I have not been drinking soda, or eating crap. At least, for today, I can feel my hunger and reassure myself that there will be nourishment versus just junk at the end of the day.

xoxo

The Honey Moon is Over

Well, it's been over thirty days on this diet.

The Honey Moon is OVER. Reality is sinking in. Even though this diet, with its weird rules and regulations, and bizarre starvation will be over, the rest of it won't be. I can't eat white bread anymore - unless I treat it like a piece of fucking cake, and if that's the case, why not just eat the cake? I can't eat thoughtlessly anymore. I have to be adult, and pay attention, and so on and so forth.

I hope that in a few months when I read this, I will laugh "ha!" I will say. "I was just whining." But now, I'm sortof in a pissed off mode. Like a bratty kid.

I'm hungry and need to eat again. I'm sick of steaming vegetables and I just got home and I'm too tired to cook. But fast food must be out, forever and ever. And so instead of bitching to my faithful pals here, I need to haul my fluffy butt into the kitchen and cook something healthy.

I was able to get back in to the 193 range after the "wild" weekend of having 1200 calories versus 500.

But before I put all of you right off with my wailing, I will say that even though this diet is boring as hell, and limited and minimal, it has been totally worth it. And I tell myself that the next phase will be less boring and certainly less minimal and that weight will still come off, albeit more slowly.

Because today I PUT ON MY SIZE 14 Ann Taylor Jeans. And I even zipped them up. And wore them in public. And had manageable Muffin Toppage that was not humiliating under my shirt. So that's a victory.

I want to wear these size 14 jeans every single day, just to remind myself that there are advantages to growing up and eating like an adult versus an indulgent teen aged girl.

OK. Speaking of adulthood, it's time to eat something. Something reasonable.

The Sin of the Super Bowl

Well, I learned something: Never host a Super Bowl Party when you are on a 500 cal per day diet. However, all things considering, my errant nibbles were not too horrible: the chicken wings (four of them) were so incredibly wonderful I did a little dance. But it was my sinful descent into the Carbohydrate Castle that was the most delicious. I had not had any carb to speak of for about a month. I had 10 tortilla chips and 8 rice crackers. And about two inch cubes of brie cheese. Can I just say how much I love brie cheese? I wanted to roll around in the brie cheese like a dog rolls in dirt. I also had a small piece of.... SALAMI. Yesssssss. The good news was that I did not drink beer and that I also did not say "OH FUCK IT, IT'S THE SUPERBOWL" and really go to town with chowing down. I gained about a pound and a half on the good scale this morning, but I was expecting it.

And there's no place to go but down.

Darling Husband moved the tread mill back into the house. This means that I must get on it, with no more dithering.

OK Trusty Fat Loss Pals: How did you handle Super Bowl Sunday?

xxo GP

A Beagle's Worth of Fat Off My Ass

Finally. FINALLY. It's been about a month and I finally made it twenty pounds. It's a third of what I want to lose but it's OFF. This is the weight of an average beagle.

I had this infantile fantasy that somehow, I would happily diet along and that the weight would just FALL off and I would not notice it and that this would be easy.

Boy was I wrong. I feel like I have had to suffer and fight for every one of those pounds. It is daunting to think that this is only going to get harder as I get closer to goal weight and not easier. But it must be done. It MUST be.

Super Bowl Sunday is tomorrow - we are having SMW and the Hilarious Pastor over. SMW (Sexy Minister's Wife) is on a "belly diet" so that's a good thing - I'll have a partner in my healthful eating for the day. I am telling Darling Husband that the purchase of fattening Super Bowl Day foods will be up to him. I'm not even purchasing that shit.

Instead, I went to Whole Foods and today, I did not feel self-conscious at all. Indeed, TWO complete strangers struck up a conversation with me, and both gave me their cards. The first one was Ali, who owns the Middle Eastern Restaurant that I just adore. He noticed all of my greens. I let him know I was on a diet but that the first time I was able to eat at a restaurant, I was making a bee line for his place (his hummus is just to die for). He GIVES ME HIS CARD and says "No No, If you need your food prepared specially, just call me ahead of time. It's no problem." Then he said that I should not lose too much more weight, which of course was a lie, but it was a nice little flirty lie. The next person was by the Salsa Testing Table. She also noticed my Pile O' Kale and in her charming little New York Accent gave me a nifty recipe to prepare it and then we launched into a discussion of her job as a personal travel agent. She gave me her card and said that she would take my entire family to India or Peru. WOW.

Usually I am the one who approaches people, but this time, no. Perhaps I smell really nice today?

OK, back to drinking More Water. How much do you drink? Aren't we supposed to drink half our body weight in water, per day? Wow. I'd better get at it then.

Going to Dinner, Dammit

This phase of my weight loss involves this super low calorie diet. This is only for a period of forty days or so. It's like being in a dietary monastery and I really really like it. Not many choices, lots of structure and lots of prayer (me, praying before I step on the Good Scale each morning).

I know that this phase is temporary and designed to help me withdraw from old eating patterns and become ready to incorporate new ways of thinking. This goes along merrily until an old friend from out of town came into town. We are, of course, taking her out to dinner. I am, of course, anxious. I looked at the menu. WOW, it looks deeelicious. However, I'll have to be one of "those" diners who ask for special treatment with the preparation of the food. And because I'm a FAT HOG, I will feel all self conscious, as if they will be saying to themselves, "poor fat thing trying to eat in a particular way to lose weight... it's hopeless." Now I realize that this is all really really bad self talk. I know that people don't give a rat's ass about my size, my order or what. I have been told that I am particularly charming with waiters, so likely the waiter will happily abide by my requests. It's just that being fat has been such a presence in my life. I hate hate hate drawing attention to it with strangers, with my special dietary requests.

I am not a shy person. Except in the area of the corpus - the body - the physical. Then, I just want to hide.

OK friends who have lost a bunch of weight and are now no longer viewed as obese by the public: How does it feel? When do you stop feeling self conscious? Ever?

In any event, I've pounded water today and had two egg whites, plus one egg. That should be low calorie enough to help me not totally fuck up my SLOW (but generally steady) weight loss.

The Good Scale read 195.4 today. It needs to give me my TWENTY POUND MARK DAMMIT.

Wish me luck.

The Plateau is Broken.. At Least for Now

After eating a very minimal amount yesterday, and drinking an ocean of water, the Good Scale begrudgingly gave me 195.8 as my reward. YES. I can now say I'm 19 pounds down. Of course, I'm already obsessing about how nice it would be to say I was 20 pounds down. Twenty just sounds so much better, doesn't it? Of course, that leads me into the fantasy land of thirty and then my brain is off to the future races instead of focusing on the here and now.

Curious Sis called me. She has started the HCG diet and has lost seven pounds in six days. She is pleased. She informed me that Writer Sis has also decided to do this. WS is hilarious. I hope she starts a weight loss blog because she'll entertain us all with it. I am awaiting WS's results as well. How weird, our parents die and then all three sisters decide to take off what should end up being about 250 pounds total, if we all make our goals. Hate to say it, but there's nothing like having your parents die that makes changes, both for bad (when I gained 50 pounds from 08 to 10) and good (like losing 19 pounds as of today).

DBoy and I did Just Dance 2 on the Wii again this morning. My large ass is sore. It was totally fun. I actually broke a sweat and DID NOT WANT TO STOP. This is amazing. I hate to move - unless it's raising a fork to my mouth or turning a page. Yet I did not want to stop. I consider this a huge victory.

Now it's lunch time. I'm starving - what else is new - and am headed home to my secret lover George Foreman and four ounces of lean protein. AHHHH.

Moving My Ass

Well, I have been dithering about movement. I have not moved myself, really effectively, in about a year - or more. Like it is everywhere, it's totally freezing here. And with our intermittent horrible air, (like breathing liquid library paste mixed with gasoline) I have had no urge to go on any walks. Asthma would protest if I did that.

So, Darling Boy convinces me to get one of those Wii games in which you dance. We did. Last night we held our Wii remotes and boogied down to songs from many eras. I BEAT HIM because I could not do all of the foot actions and craftily made sure the hand actions were on target. That and I did Jazzercise in the 80's and when all of these 80's song choices came on, I was FABULOUS. It rather pissed off DB, as he is a dancer and was sure he would beat me.

We did this last night at 8:30 PM. DB says "Let's get up in the morning early and do this again! Wake me up at 6:45!" I have created an 11 year old personal trainer in my very own house. True to form, we both got up, and we did this dance thing again for about 35 minutes. It was fun. I was able to shower and go to work afterward (where I am now, btw.) My Large Fluffy Ass is sore already.

So, movement has entered my life, and just in time, too, because the scale refuses to budge, even when I am so incredibly on program that it should have NO CHOICE but to go down. Good Scale told me "You are still 198.0 today. So suck it up and deal with it. Stop swearing at me because I am refusing to move." The Good Scale can be quite aggressive when it wants to be. I know, I am mildly psychotic because I talk to the Scale and it talks back.

Will pound water, eat boiled egg for lunch and go to Court today. Dammit. I will continue this until the DAMN SCALE DOES BUDGE!!!!

Growing Up

Well, I've been at this 198.5ish weight for a couple of days now. HCG people will describe this as a plateau because the expectation on this Very Low Cal Diet (VCLD) is to lose about a pound a day. I remain skeptical about the clear limitations of different sorts of veggies (e.g. asparagus yes, mushrooms no, and "don't mix vegetables at the same meal") and of types of carbs (apple yes and pear no). Yet when I vary, even just a wee bit, on this diet, I see a gain or in this instance a plateau. My "varying" last night was that I added about six canned artichoke hearts to my salad yesterday and did not eat any fruit. Boom, up a half a pound.

Given my peri menopause status, there is no regular Time of the Month (TOM) for me. Estrogen patch and Progestin have seen to that. So I can't blame it on some natural fluctuation, I don't think.

Today, I vow to stick exactly to the program and not to waver one single bit. I will BEAT this fucking plateau. Period. I am more powerful than food, dammit.

I also woke up at three in the morning and could not get back to sleep. I drank water and turned on the TV to watch two episodes of the new series "Heavy." What a terrific show. Very realistic. Very poignant. Very Very inspiring. It helps to realize that chocolate cake really and truly does have to be a thing of the past. Not just for now, but forever. This doesn't mean that I can't ever eat a single bite of chocolate cake again, but honestly, it has 800 calories in it. How can I justify that in a life of healthy eating and good choices?

I wonder if there is a certain amount of grieving for the unconscious eating style days - where I literally split off the fact that I was poisoning myself in favor of the opiod receptor comfort of fat/salt/sugar. I think there might be. Honestly, the ability to make good eating choices seems to fall under the "Personal Maturity" label for me. Part of being a grownup is eating like a grownup, instead of an impulsive, petulant child. It's the same part that finally learned to pay bills on time, show up for work on time, get homework done, play nice, and all of that. Well I have to grow up sometime and be a real woman and not a girl. This is part of it.

It also allowed me to find new sources of pleasure that are not food related. Like this blog. Like playing with wool. Like singing in a choir. And going to art museums. And hugging my boys (big and small).

Weight loss and health cannot be a project, like you would consider a remodel of a house. It has to be embraced and internalized. Like the way Spring just sortof creeps up and before you know it, there's leaves on the tree where you swore there weren't any just a few weeks ago. Just like growing up.

Whine about Wine

OK I won't whine. I am not deprived. I am fat and am doing a program of healthy and very low calorie eating in order to not be fat any more.

But when I try to fool myself and think that a glass of wine will take the carbs place of two apples, my HCG diet calls bullshit on me.

Had a .5 lb GAIN yesterday. ARG! I was on program but added the wine in place of the apple. I am also hoping that this was related to salt I put into my yummy chicken thai wraps.

So, ate well today and am pounding water like there is NO TOMORROW. Question: does drinking alot of water help to flush out overeating salt? I am hoping so. And another thing. Since when did it happen that I pee every time I cough, sneeze or laugh? And don't tell me to do those "Kegels" because I have a, um, vice like grip. Drinking all this water makes this pee issue all the worse. ARG.

Work was intense intense intense today. Suffice it to say that I was able to help a couple of little girls in a very big way, such that their lives will be forever different and oh so very much better. I thanked God over and over for things working out well (we brokered the deal at a settlement and did not have to go to a gnarly court hearing about it). I felt really grateful that I am allowed to be in this kind of position in my career. I will bitch and moan about the trials (literally) and tribulations of my work, but today was the tops.