Time Flies

I am just loving reading everyone's blogs. Most blogs seem to come from normal people who are using the forum to keep them honest, connect with others who are on the same journey and get the social support we ALL need at times to stay sane in this pursuit of health. And then there are other bloggers - none of whom I follow - who seem to just DITHER FOREVER. Lots of what seem like attempts but then - piffle. And that is OK, honestly it is. But I find myself getting sortof snotty when I read it.

I think I am projecting my own anxiety about starting the next diet phase of limited food choices and hunger and am must projecting it onto those people. Perhaps I worry that I will become one of those people. I am ambivalent about this next weight loss section because let's face it, weight loss SUCKS. It's never easy, it never allows you to just "eat what you want" unless you WANT diet food, which I do not. It asks you to be more active (and this is something I am truly and honestly dreading). I will have to drink more water. Sigh. I will have to increase regimentation, which I am absolutely able to do, but OH, I got so bored on HCG in the past that I admit I dread it.

I have been faithful to the program I started in early January, including taking six weeks off of the restrictive part and NOT lose more weight, but to consistently maintain it.

And those six weeks are drawing to a close.

And now I have to face the fact that 188 is NOT ALL THAT MUCH BETTER THAN 215 - well, OK it is, but not like others' losses of 100 pounds or more. I mean it's better than 300 or something, health wise, but let's face it: It's time to get ON with it. Jeez, I'm acting like I'm going to have to feel miserable and limited and whining forever. Hell what's another four to six weeks of hard HCG or less hard but longer Other More Reasonable plan?

SO, what program should I go on? The HCG plan is very do-able and extremely effective, but it's odious. I am considering Weight Watchers. I am also planning on asking Allan about his Challenge as well. What are all of you doing out there? Atkins? South Beach? Limiting calories and eating generally healthily?

I need to choose a program that allows for at least one pound and preferably two pounds per week weight loss. And I need to do it pretty damn soon.

Still Here

I'm in a boring place. I'm in this "maintain your weight" place and lo and behold, I'm maintaining it. If I drink margaritas with the pastor, then I have to watch my intake of food for a couple of days. That's it. It is gloriously boring.

But the six weeks are coming to an end and I am looking to drop another twenty pounds. Weirdly, this is becoming anxiety provoking. Dieting is fucking miserable at times. I am having anticipatory anxiety about it, which is stupid.

I am thinking - do I go back on Crazy HCG? Do I do Allan's challenge? If I can't have meat and chicken on Allan's challenge, then will I be sad? What program? I am comfy and not comfy where I am now. I am still too fat. But I'll admit, I'm not looking forward to the deprivation parts of any calorie restrictive program that I will have to do, if I'm headed down the scale.

ARG.

Oh well, enough whining. If this is my biggest problem, then I'm DAMN LUCKY. And the sun is sortof shining, and more snow is not predicted until tomorrow. And it's officially Spring, so hey, I'll start researching programs and let you know.

GP

Sugar Ingested. Ugh.

The Fucking Girl Scouts.

Well, OK it's not their fault. And it's not Darling Husband's fault. He tried to hide the box of cookies but I, with my unerring radar for cookies, found them. And then lickety split, ate two of them. The peanut butter kind. And had a large glass of delicious milk.

And about two hours later, I had the absolute worst headache of my entire life. It was horrible. Is that just a coincidence or is that sugar rushing in? This was on the heels of being at sweet Uncle George's birthday. He served his father in law's (who is Italian and about 85 years old) home made pizza. The father in law (Grandpa P) looked at all of us anxiously to see if we enjoyed it. I had one piece. It was fabulous. I was in Carb Heaven. And then the Polish Birthday Cake was served. I had a small piece. It was a home made thing of cinnamon and chocolate and flour and cocaine and money and sex and and and ... you get the drift. And then I came home and had those fucking Girl Scout Cookies.

And a headache.

I got on the scale and it was up a pound. That is OK given that I'm supposed to hang out at 190 for six weeks to "reset my metabolism" which I still wonder about. But OK, I'll hang.

Today was better. Ate poached eggs, a piece of wheat toast, delicious coffee with cream (not much but enough to make a point). Had a bite of friend's hash browns. Not impressed with the hash browns.

Then was full all day (duh with the carb fest of the day before, no wonder). And ate salad with scallops and my FAVORITE MISO DRESSING and a small bit of bacon crumble and asparagus and hearts of palm and saute' shallot and a zillion kinds of greens. And mushrooms.

I'm still full. Thank God I'm back on track. I actually prayed this morning to get some help with not having any more "food fuckery" as one of my favorite bloggers calls it.

I was disconcerted at falling off the wagon in this way. I wasn't having any particular leanings or cravings. I just impulsively said YEAH YOU BET and consumed like a hog a mite.

But today, we're back in the saddle.

I am just wondering what going back to a real diet will be like when the next two and a half weeks are up. I think I can do it. I'm not sure what "IT" will be, but I'm game to keep going!

But no more Fucking Girl Scout Cookies.

Besides, I was a Camp Fire Girl. We hated the Girl Scouts anyway.

Holding Steady Redux

It's a weird quiet period for me. I am truly holding steady with the 25 to 27 pounds I lost in that initial six weeks. It still is not hard at all. I keep thinking "Let's DIET HARD" but then I think "Well hell. This crazy plan worked for me - I need to stick to the plan, even if I'd rather just go nuts and diet like mad." In the end, perhaps learning to stay stable is as important as learning to take it off. I mean to say that I have to stop treating eating like a summer science project. This is a life long change for the better. So perhaps in the grand scheme of things, having to maintain a weight for six weeks not only "resets the metabolism" (allegedly, this truly may be a total bunch of bullshit) but it reminds me that this is how life is and will be forever.

And it's not hard.

I have been reading my favorite blog by Allan. This guy really gets it. He notes that Fat is like CANCER. I wholly concur in that a) fat is shown to increase cancer risk and b)fat, like cancer, will kill you. Period. I believe that this is a battle for health in the same way that a person with cancer battles for his or her life. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

And this is the program I've selected, so I'm on the thing, and it's working. I have maintained my loss. I am not hungry. I don't eat like a stupid idiot. I don't eat bad shit. I do drink a glass of wine, I will admit. I have also eaten a portion of bread per day (like a piece of whole wheat bread). No candy. No soda. No fucking fast food.

It is not hard.

I am intensely curious about why it WAS hard before? Is it just being unconscious for so long and then waking up? Is it something about finally growing up?

I don't know. But you can bet I'm damn grateful.

Preacher and his Sexy Wife (it just continues to kill me that I, the least religious person I know, have formed a happy friendship with these wonderfully intelligent and erudite and hilarious two folks) have invited us over for dinner. He said "Bring Dessert."

Recently, the concept of bringing dessert would have totally freaked me out. Now I am thinking "Sexy Preacher Wife is gluten intolerant. I'll bet there's something I can get her at Whole Foods." I have no urge or intention to eat the dessert. I never was much of a dessert person anyway. I'd rather eat cheese, for the same calorie exchange.

The menu for this evening? Chicken, Veggies and likely Potatoes or some starch, and Said Dessert. I have no urge for potatoes. I have a craving for Veggies (I KNOW! I HATE VEGGIES!!!)

This is not hard.

It's miraculous, but not hard.

Thanks to all of you whom I read for inspiration, lecture, appropriate shaming, and courage. And thanks to the couple of blogs I stalk to remind me what Pure Insanity is. This is a journey we all take. It's not hard, not really. Not anymore.

Beautiful

I have these girlfriends who are stunningly beautiful. It's not their fault. They can't help it. And they are as beautiful on the inside as they are on the outside. One is a ballet mistress who is just as lovely as a spring day. She's positive, happy, sensitive and really really smart. Oh and completely beautiful. And TINY of course. The other is a newscaster. My age (which is closer to 50 than 40) but you would never know it. Slender, perfect smile, and again, so so smart.

I just love spending time with both of them. And here's the thing - you know how all the thin and pretty girls in movies are supposed to be the ones who make the fat chick feel bad? I NEVER feel bad around them. They are so positive and upbeat and kindly, that you just forget your fatness and your double chins and simply CONNECT. And they have their own fears and hopes and worries. Including romantic ones. Sometimes I want to shake them and say, ARE YOU KIDDING? You are such a catch! How can you not see it? But I know what it's like to be lacking in hope or confidence in many areas and so I (I think wisely) shut my mouth.

Today I realized that my physically beautiful friends are that way both by luck but also by CHOICE. They take care of themselves with great responsibility. Today, I had lunch with my News Friend who ordered a salad and avoided most of the roll that came with it. She's not on a "diet" at all. She just eats that way. My other friend mentioned that when she had a bunch of carbs because of random events (like family gathering meals) she felt gross. She's CERTAINLY not on a diet. These women are not eating disordered. They do not focus on food or weight or appearance. Instead, they are respectful of their bodies and treat themselves well.

And the result? Beautiful. Inside and Out.

OK all, have a weekend in which you, too, treat yourself like the beautiful, valuable person we all know you are.

xoxo GP

The New Normal

Following program and holding steady, just as Dr. T requested. It's weird to be continuing on past the two month mark in weight loss, because I have always been a Good Time Charlie when it comes to lifestyle/eating issues - which is why I'm a hog-a-mite. When I walk away, it looks like two pigs fighting in a sack. But I digress.

So, I am dutifully eating my low carb, high protein food. And it's NOT a big deal at all. I slowly add in carbs - not too many - and see what the scale says. If I add in too many, the scale tells me to knock it off and I stop. I haven't had soda pop forever. I have learned to tolerate salad. It's weird, because it's not that weird at all. Sortof like learning to shop at Whole Foods and not feel like an impostor.

It's the New Normal. And I think I'm learning to like it quite a bit.

At least today, anyway.

TWENTY FIVE POUNDS

Finally. FINALLY. I have broken OUT of the 190s. You should have seen me do the scale dance last night when I got up to pee at 2 AM and then decided to weigh, because hey, why not just see if the scale has changed its mind since midnight (it hadn't). But this morning, 189.4! And there was much rejoicing!

I think I'm losing a bit more than I did in the last dreadful days of the limited calorie diet, and I'm a hell of a lot happier. I started eating breakfast again, which is just a wonderful thing if you had no breakfast for forty days. FORTY DAYS of low calories. I was wandering in the desert for FORTY DAYS and then Moses appeared and led me to the land of 1000 calories and I am much happier.

Dr. T said that I have a couple of choices: 1) I can maintain my weight for six weeks and then go back on HCG and so forth again or 2) I can just keep eating this normal diet, sans many carbs for six weeks and lose slowly. The Fat Jury is still out on that. I will see if, by eating healthily but not carbily, the weight stabilizes or not. If it does, then Hello HCG at the end of March. If I keep walking nicely down the Lard Hill then perhaps I'll just keep on walking until I plateau and, if desperate, consider another forty days in the food desert.

Either way, I am just glad that the first twenty five are gone. I would like to lose at least forty more, but when I think about it, it seems overwhelming. SO, I think about getting to a thirty pound loss. Hell, it's only 4 and a half pounds from here, right? I can do that. And at that point, then I'll only need thirty five more to get to a weight of 150 or so. Does anyone else play weird math games in their head like this?

As it is, here is what I ate yesterday:
eggs for breakfast
steak (small) plus salad for lunch
scallops and spinach for dinner
a breadstick (grissini - the HCG little wimpy kind) plus a teaspoon of almond butter for snack.
Tons of water, iced tea and even coffee.

Today, I had a big breakfast of an organic chicken sausage (150 cal) and one egg (70 cal) plus half a grapefruit (who know what calories. Grapefruit was a disappointment in taste btw) and again, my grissini plus teaspoon of almond butter.

At the suggestion of a friend on here, I banned peanut butter to the back shelf (as it is a legume, not a nut) and bought almond butter (which is just lovely - it's like inviting an elegant cousin who is an art dealer in new york to come for a visit, after you just showed your cousin from oklahoma who just got out of jail the door) AND cashew butter (which is like the cousin who has lived in the middle east for the past ten years who comes to visit you and kisses you on BOTH cheeks and it's not weird or affected at all).

NOTE: I have no cousins who are art dealers in new york or have lived in the middle east. I think everyone has a cousin who has been in jail, haven't they?

Still, I will have to go light on lunch as I am headed to a party tonight and will have to drink a vat of water in order to steel myself in the face of what will be excellent booze and even better snackies. But hey, it's just food. It's not like I'll never have access to a cheesy canapé again, right? Sometimes I forget that just because I am on a major diet for what will clearly be a (life)long period of time, it's not like they will say "HEY! She's finally gone! Let's lose the recipes for everything that has ever been even potentially delicious!" Jeez.

OK, off to think about cleaning the house (NOT), making a scarf (LIKELY) and other ways to avoid writing a report.

Keep that water flowing IN and OUT!

Feels Miraculous Today

OK, so it's day 2 on the part of the diet where you eat more food but still stay away from carbs. Weirdly, my weight loss picked up today, e.g. lost a pound from where I was yesterday. WTF?

I ate breakfast (two eggs) and lunch (steak and salad, with blue cheese, yum) and dinner (mexican shrimp and salad) and ate about 5 tortilla chips w/salsa. And had a sip of DH's margarita. And lost a pound.

I am not questioning - I am just going with it. I am not hungry. I am not dizzy and I do not feel deprived. Indeed, I'm sitting here trying to eat an apple or two because I know I need the fruit and fiber after yesterday's Protein Heaven.

Weird Weird Weird.

Have been stalking others' blogs and getting proper inspiration. Some folks have lost almost 200 pounds. Some have lost a ton of weight have have kept it off for years and years. One gal talked about slowly changing her cognitive habits about food so that healthy choices for eating and exercise became second nature. She also talked about food boundaries as food SAFETY not food SHACKLES. I love that so much.

I also read Allen's blog, "Almost Gastric ByPass" which I recommend to anyone who hasn't seen it yet. He writes for himself, not for anyone else and he is courageously honest with himself and with others who come his way. He is a good reminder that this weight loss thing is a daily habit, a constant hike, not a quick sprint. For me, who lost weight quickly in the beginning, reading him is like a psychological tonic.

OK, off to run errands as my morning client (who was booked for three hours) cancelled!

xxoox GP

Ready for the Next Phase

Well, the crazy shots have ended. I have eaten about 500 calories a day for around 40 days. I had some days where I blew this off somewhat. My weight loss was initially really really fast, and then it slowed to a crawl. I decided that indeed, it was time to move to the next phase of the HCG diet.

Now, I am supposed to continue to eat the No Carb Diet for three more weeks, but with much more protein. After three weeks, I can begin to slowly introduce carbs (I already recognize this will be a challenge). The most frustrating thing is that my weight is SUPPOSED TO STAY THE SAME for the next six weeks because I am "resetting my metabolism." This bums me out because I really don't want my metabolism set at 190 pounds. However, this is the program so I am going to stay true to it. Another blogger that I really like to follow, Allen, says something along the lines of it not mattering exactly which program you are on, but staying with it, day after day, week after week, and in the end, year after year - that's what matters.

I am still bummed that I'm not supposed to lose weight - nor gain it more than a two pound variation - for six weeks. Oh well. There are worse things.

On better news, I am sitting here in a pair of size 12 jeans, and again muffin toppage is minimal compared to even last week.

So, I have to see patients and then find some time to go back to Whole Foods, all re-energized, so that I can attack this phase with the same gusto that I have had the past six weeks.

I ate some cold chicken breast that was grilled from yesterday for my breakfast/lunch. It's a holiday but I'm still seeing clients because I forgot it was - but I didn't have them on the schedule this morning, so DH and I laid in bed and watched old movies with Bette Davis in them. Lovely. I also had some peanut butter and my minimal grissini stick to eat. Sometimes, remembering to eat gets in the way. My downfall has always been planning. Sigh.

Still, I can continue to chug water, read blogs, marvel at the fact I can zip up the size 12's from Ann Taylor loft (I'm sure it's because these jeans run large though) and look out to see snow on the ground, and sun in the sky. That's not too bad, now is it?

Afraid to Eat?

I know, I know. Me? Afraid to eat? The end of the injection portion of this diet is fast approaching. You are supposed to eat the 500 cal per day diet for two more days after the shots end, and then start increasing your calories, but still omit carbs. I have grown very accustomed to this low calorie thing. I have started to notice this weird fear that if I eat more calories, I will gain weight again.

I recognize that this is foolish.

I recognize that if I eat 800 to 1000 calories a day at 191 pounds, I am not going to gain weight.

But I still worry. Really worry.

This limited calorie thing has actually worked for me, like nothing else has. But it's unreal and has to be temporary. I liked being in a Food Monastery. Brother George Foreman and I have grown close during this six week period.

Well, there's nothing for it but to pull up these Big White Granny Panties like a Big Cowgirl and deal.

I still think it's kind of funny that I am loathe to eat more food - given that I used to (metaphorically speaking) roll around naked in a pile of pizza and hamburgers at the drop of a hat.

Weird weird weird.

Slippery Slope

Well, travelling this past weekend to sunny San Diego made it extremely difficult to stay on plan. I ate extremely well, but for SOMEONE NOT ON AN HCG DIET PLAN. The worst thing I did was eat a few chips and salsa. Had salads every meal. Ate eggs and fruit. No cheese to speak of. No sodas, no candy. Still put on 2.5 lbs from Friday morning until Tuesday morning.

I know what I need to do. And that is to not panic and say "oh fuck it, I'm sick of this" which of course, I am. If I am driving to San Francisco California and I make a wrong turn, and end up headed towards Beaver, Utah, this does not mean that I must inevitably drive all the way to Beaver. (Yes, Beaver, Utah is a real place). Instead, I make a U turn and get back on I 80 West, dammit.

So, the U turn is that there will be no more off program carbs for the next week. I have one more week or so of the shots left on this crazy diet. Then I'm on a more calorie plan that STILL limits carbs. That goes for between three to six weeks, depending what you read. During that period, I will be interested to see how my weight loss (or maintaining of the loss I have had) goes. What I do not want to do is lose hope or motivation.

So, back at the blog, confessing, confessing, confessing. I will be happy to leave this diet and move onto more normal healthy eating styles. But the days of mindless gnawing on stuff - those are long gone.

What does everyone else do when they make a slip? Both in your head and in your behavior?

Steady On

Well, so far, so good. Down 23 pounds. Every pound is a battle. Not as big a battle as those facing financial ruin, cancer, divorce, etc. But still, a wee battle in my head. I have been thinking about the sensation of hunger lately. Until now, I have always treated hunger like a sort of a crisis. I HAVE to eat! I MUST eat! Let's not think about the 80-90 pounds that I carry around that I could burn at any moment - oh no. Instead, let's decide that if I don't eat THIS MINUTE I will die. Now, I understand that starving and then eating a bunch of bad stuff isn't the way to go. But detaching the panic, stricken, anxious and/or petulance that has accompanied hunger - that's the trick for me I think.

Decreasing whining also helps tremendously.

Isn't it interesting that when you stop thinking about food so much, there is room for other stuff to do and think about?

Of course, my temptations are everywhere - the latest is Carl's Junior Chicken Strips. Real white meat, very very delicious, not made of "Chicken Paste" as the crap at McDonald's is... with mustard sauce. YUM. But guess what? A three portion serving (which is modest) is 380 Calories! Holy Hell. For those? Really? Screw that.

The end of this HCG portion of my diet is approaching in about 10 days or so. I am curious about where the weight will be at that point. I'd really like to be into the 180's - but who knows. What's important is that the next phase is higher calorie but still really healthy eating and still no carbs. After that, I can decide to go back on the VLCD again, complete with shots, or not. At least, for today, I am 191.8. At least, for today, I have not been drinking soda, or eating crap. At least, for today, I can feel my hunger and reassure myself that there will be nourishment versus just junk at the end of the day.

xoxo

The Honey Moon is Over

Well, it's been over thirty days on this diet.

The Honey Moon is OVER. Reality is sinking in. Even though this diet, with its weird rules and regulations, and bizarre starvation will be over, the rest of it won't be. I can't eat white bread anymore - unless I treat it like a piece of fucking cake, and if that's the case, why not just eat the cake? I can't eat thoughtlessly anymore. I have to be adult, and pay attention, and so on and so forth.

I hope that in a few months when I read this, I will laugh "ha!" I will say. "I was just whining." But now, I'm sortof in a pissed off mode. Like a bratty kid.

I'm hungry and need to eat again. I'm sick of steaming vegetables and I just got home and I'm too tired to cook. But fast food must be out, forever and ever. And so instead of bitching to my faithful pals here, I need to haul my fluffy butt into the kitchen and cook something healthy.

I was able to get back in to the 193 range after the "wild" weekend of having 1200 calories versus 500.

But before I put all of you right off with my wailing, I will say that even though this diet is boring as hell, and limited and minimal, it has been totally worth it. And I tell myself that the next phase will be less boring and certainly less minimal and that weight will still come off, albeit more slowly.

Because today I PUT ON MY SIZE 14 Ann Taylor Jeans. And I even zipped them up. And wore them in public. And had manageable Muffin Toppage that was not humiliating under my shirt. So that's a victory.

I want to wear these size 14 jeans every single day, just to remind myself that there are advantages to growing up and eating like an adult versus an indulgent teen aged girl.

OK. Speaking of adulthood, it's time to eat something. Something reasonable.

The Sin of the Super Bowl

Well, I learned something: Never host a Super Bowl Party when you are on a 500 cal per day diet. However, all things considering, my errant nibbles were not too horrible: the chicken wings (four of them) were so incredibly wonderful I did a little dance. But it was my sinful descent into the Carbohydrate Castle that was the most delicious. I had not had any carb to speak of for about a month. I had 10 tortilla chips and 8 rice crackers. And about two inch cubes of brie cheese. Can I just say how much I love brie cheese? I wanted to roll around in the brie cheese like a dog rolls in dirt. I also had a small piece of.... SALAMI. Yesssssss. The good news was that I did not drink beer and that I also did not say "OH FUCK IT, IT'S THE SUPERBOWL" and really go to town with chowing down. I gained about a pound and a half on the good scale this morning, but I was expecting it.

And there's no place to go but down.

Darling Husband moved the tread mill back into the house. This means that I must get on it, with no more dithering.

OK Trusty Fat Loss Pals: How did you handle Super Bowl Sunday?

xxo GP

A Beagle's Worth of Fat Off My Ass

Finally. FINALLY. It's been about a month and I finally made it twenty pounds. It's a third of what I want to lose but it's OFF. This is the weight of an average beagle.

I had this infantile fantasy that somehow, I would happily diet along and that the weight would just FALL off and I would not notice it and that this would be easy.

Boy was I wrong. I feel like I have had to suffer and fight for every one of those pounds. It is daunting to think that this is only going to get harder as I get closer to goal weight and not easier. But it must be done. It MUST be.

Super Bowl Sunday is tomorrow - we are having SMW and the Hilarious Pastor over. SMW (Sexy Minister's Wife) is on a "belly diet" so that's a good thing - I'll have a partner in my healthful eating for the day. I am telling Darling Husband that the purchase of fattening Super Bowl Day foods will be up to him. I'm not even purchasing that shit.

Instead, I went to Whole Foods and today, I did not feel self-conscious at all. Indeed, TWO complete strangers struck up a conversation with me, and both gave me their cards. The first one was Ali, who owns the Middle Eastern Restaurant that I just adore. He noticed all of my greens. I let him know I was on a diet but that the first time I was able to eat at a restaurant, I was making a bee line for his place (his hummus is just to die for). He GIVES ME HIS CARD and says "No No, If you need your food prepared specially, just call me ahead of time. It's no problem." Then he said that I should not lose too much more weight, which of course was a lie, but it was a nice little flirty lie. The next person was by the Salsa Testing Table. She also noticed my Pile O' Kale and in her charming little New York Accent gave me a nifty recipe to prepare it and then we launched into a discussion of her job as a personal travel agent. She gave me her card and said that she would take my entire family to India or Peru. WOW.

Usually I am the one who approaches people, but this time, no. Perhaps I smell really nice today?

OK, back to drinking More Water. How much do you drink? Aren't we supposed to drink half our body weight in water, per day? Wow. I'd better get at it then.

Going to Dinner, Dammit

This phase of my weight loss involves this super low calorie diet. This is only for a period of forty days or so. It's like being in a dietary monastery and I really really like it. Not many choices, lots of structure and lots of prayer (me, praying before I step on the Good Scale each morning).

I know that this phase is temporary and designed to help me withdraw from old eating patterns and become ready to incorporate new ways of thinking. This goes along merrily until an old friend from out of town came into town. We are, of course, taking her out to dinner. I am, of course, anxious. I looked at the menu. WOW, it looks deeelicious. However, I'll have to be one of "those" diners who ask for special treatment with the preparation of the food. And because I'm a FAT HOG, I will feel all self conscious, as if they will be saying to themselves, "poor fat thing trying to eat in a particular way to lose weight... it's hopeless." Now I realize that this is all really really bad self talk. I know that people don't give a rat's ass about my size, my order or what. I have been told that I am particularly charming with waiters, so likely the waiter will happily abide by my requests. It's just that being fat has been such a presence in my life. I hate hate hate drawing attention to it with strangers, with my special dietary requests.

I am not a shy person. Except in the area of the corpus - the body - the physical. Then, I just want to hide.

OK friends who have lost a bunch of weight and are now no longer viewed as obese by the public: How does it feel? When do you stop feeling self conscious? Ever?

In any event, I've pounded water today and had two egg whites, plus one egg. That should be low calorie enough to help me not totally fuck up my SLOW (but generally steady) weight loss.

The Good Scale read 195.4 today. It needs to give me my TWENTY POUND MARK DAMMIT.

Wish me luck.

The Plateau is Broken.. At Least for Now

After eating a very minimal amount yesterday, and drinking an ocean of water, the Good Scale begrudgingly gave me 195.8 as my reward. YES. I can now say I'm 19 pounds down. Of course, I'm already obsessing about how nice it would be to say I was 20 pounds down. Twenty just sounds so much better, doesn't it? Of course, that leads me into the fantasy land of thirty and then my brain is off to the future races instead of focusing on the here and now.

Curious Sis called me. She has started the HCG diet and has lost seven pounds in six days. She is pleased. She informed me that Writer Sis has also decided to do this. WS is hilarious. I hope she starts a weight loss blog because she'll entertain us all with it. I am awaiting WS's results as well. How weird, our parents die and then all three sisters decide to take off what should end up being about 250 pounds total, if we all make our goals. Hate to say it, but there's nothing like having your parents die that makes changes, both for bad (when I gained 50 pounds from 08 to 10) and good (like losing 19 pounds as of today).

DBoy and I did Just Dance 2 on the Wii again this morning. My large ass is sore. It was totally fun. I actually broke a sweat and DID NOT WANT TO STOP. This is amazing. I hate to move - unless it's raising a fork to my mouth or turning a page. Yet I did not want to stop. I consider this a huge victory.

Now it's lunch time. I'm starving - what else is new - and am headed home to my secret lover George Foreman and four ounces of lean protein. AHHHH.

Moving My Ass

Well, I have been dithering about movement. I have not moved myself, really effectively, in about a year - or more. Like it is everywhere, it's totally freezing here. And with our intermittent horrible air, (like breathing liquid library paste mixed with gasoline) I have had no urge to go on any walks. Asthma would protest if I did that.

So, Darling Boy convinces me to get one of those Wii games in which you dance. We did. Last night we held our Wii remotes and boogied down to songs from many eras. I BEAT HIM because I could not do all of the foot actions and craftily made sure the hand actions were on target. That and I did Jazzercise in the 80's and when all of these 80's song choices came on, I was FABULOUS. It rather pissed off DB, as he is a dancer and was sure he would beat me.

We did this last night at 8:30 PM. DB says "Let's get up in the morning early and do this again! Wake me up at 6:45!" I have created an 11 year old personal trainer in my very own house. True to form, we both got up, and we did this dance thing again for about 35 minutes. It was fun. I was able to shower and go to work afterward (where I am now, btw.) My Large Fluffy Ass is sore already.

So, movement has entered my life, and just in time, too, because the scale refuses to budge, even when I am so incredibly on program that it should have NO CHOICE but to go down. Good Scale told me "You are still 198.0 today. So suck it up and deal with it. Stop swearing at me because I am refusing to move." The Good Scale can be quite aggressive when it wants to be. I know, I am mildly psychotic because I talk to the Scale and it talks back.

Will pound water, eat boiled egg for lunch and go to Court today. Dammit. I will continue this until the DAMN SCALE DOES BUDGE!!!!

Growing Up

Well, I've been at this 198.5ish weight for a couple of days now. HCG people will describe this as a plateau because the expectation on this Very Low Cal Diet (VCLD) is to lose about a pound a day. I remain skeptical about the clear limitations of different sorts of veggies (e.g. asparagus yes, mushrooms no, and "don't mix vegetables at the same meal") and of types of carbs (apple yes and pear no). Yet when I vary, even just a wee bit, on this diet, I see a gain or in this instance a plateau. My "varying" last night was that I added about six canned artichoke hearts to my salad yesterday and did not eat any fruit. Boom, up a half a pound.

Given my peri menopause status, there is no regular Time of the Month (TOM) for me. Estrogen patch and Progestin have seen to that. So I can't blame it on some natural fluctuation, I don't think.

Today, I vow to stick exactly to the program and not to waver one single bit. I will BEAT this fucking plateau. Period. I am more powerful than food, dammit.

I also woke up at three in the morning and could not get back to sleep. I drank water and turned on the TV to watch two episodes of the new series "Heavy." What a terrific show. Very realistic. Very poignant. Very Very inspiring. It helps to realize that chocolate cake really and truly does have to be a thing of the past. Not just for now, but forever. This doesn't mean that I can't ever eat a single bite of chocolate cake again, but honestly, it has 800 calories in it. How can I justify that in a life of healthy eating and good choices?

I wonder if there is a certain amount of grieving for the unconscious eating style days - where I literally split off the fact that I was poisoning myself in favor of the opiod receptor comfort of fat/salt/sugar. I think there might be. Honestly, the ability to make good eating choices seems to fall under the "Personal Maturity" label for me. Part of being a grownup is eating like a grownup, instead of an impulsive, petulant child. It's the same part that finally learned to pay bills on time, show up for work on time, get homework done, play nice, and all of that. Well I have to grow up sometime and be a real woman and not a girl. This is part of it.

It also allowed me to find new sources of pleasure that are not food related. Like this blog. Like playing with wool. Like singing in a choir. And going to art museums. And hugging my boys (big and small).

Weight loss and health cannot be a project, like you would consider a remodel of a house. It has to be embraced and internalized. Like the way Spring just sortof creeps up and before you know it, there's leaves on the tree where you swore there weren't any just a few weeks ago. Just like growing up.

Whine about Wine

OK I won't whine. I am not deprived. I am fat and am doing a program of healthy and very low calorie eating in order to not be fat any more.

But when I try to fool myself and think that a glass of wine will take the carbs place of two apples, my HCG diet calls bullshit on me.

Had a .5 lb GAIN yesterday. ARG! I was on program but added the wine in place of the apple. I am also hoping that this was related to salt I put into my yummy chicken thai wraps.

So, ate well today and am pounding water like there is NO TOMORROW. Question: does drinking alot of water help to flush out overeating salt? I am hoping so. And another thing. Since when did it happen that I pee every time I cough, sneeze or laugh? And don't tell me to do those "Kegels" because I have a, um, vice like grip. Drinking all this water makes this pee issue all the worse. ARG.

Work was intense intense intense today. Suffice it to say that I was able to help a couple of little girls in a very big way, such that their lives will be forever different and oh so very much better. I thanked God over and over for things working out well (we brokered the deal at a settlement and did not have to go to a gnarly court hearing about it). I felt really grateful that I am allowed to be in this kind of position in my career. I will bitch and moan about the trials (literally) and tribulations of my work, but today was the tops.

One-derland.

The Good Scale reads 197.6 this morning. I have broken 200 pounds. And for the first time, I told my husband how much I really weigh. He didn't bat an eye.

I never want to see a "200" on the scale again. I recognize that my weight could fluctuate five pounds up tomorrow if I eat a bunch of salt, etc. But this feels like a true milestone. Seventeen pounds (and in only twenty-three days). The best thing about a really low calorie diet is that it's typically very gratifying such that you hang on for one more day, just to see if you can make the next wee milestone. My next wee milestone is 195, because that's twenty pounds. That is TWO cats off my ass.

Here's another milestone. I went out to a restaurant for breakfast after DBoy had a costume fitting (he is in a professional production of Sleeping Beauty). Boy was hungry, DH was hungry and I was too. We go to the Olympian, which is a wonderful family owned Greek breakfast place, like a Village Inn. Only better. Haven't been to Olympian for awhile. I always got the chicken fried steak and eggs, with two biscuits and butter and honey and hash browns. And juice.

There was nothing remotely dietary on this menu. So, I created a vegetarian omelette made with two egg whites and one egg yolk. No cheese. Fresh tomato, green pepper, onion and (gasp!) mushrooms inside. Nixed the side of toast and hash browns that came with it in favor of a half of a cup of blueberries - in part because I love blueberries and in part because this was the ONLY fruit they had that did not come in a can of syrup.

I also had coffee and went a wee bit off program by putting in one of those little dealies of cream.

Breakfast was glorious. I was completely stuffed. This was a milestone for me for all kinds of reasons. First, I determined to make a healthy choice and I did. Next, I asked very specifically for special treatment at this restaurant, because I was not going to settle for the "closest" thing on the menu to my program instead of the perfect thing for my program.

I felt powerful and healthy and assertive.

And I am no longer in the 200 pound range.

And Darling Boy has reported no headaches for the past eighteen hours or so.

AND I'm going to the wool shop today to get more stuff to make woolly pretties with.

All in all a "One-derful" Day.

Lost a Cat

Have I said this before? The Good Scale told me 201.0 this morning. That's 14 pounds. That's a really large cat. It pleases me no end. Next stop: Losing a Cocker Spaniel.

Today it was HARD to get food into me. I had a trial in the AM and then appointments all afternoon. I raced home and heated up leftover cioppino (MY SPECIALTY) and really had about a cup of it, and there wasn't much but yummy garlicky broth left. Then I had a half teaspoon of almond butter (bc it's not on plan but that was ALL I had time to eat and I figured a little protein wouldn't hurt).

Met a friend and colleague to discuss a case tonight at this snazzy bar after work while DBoy was in ballet. First of all, had nifty new haircut, wore pants that two weeks ago were altogether too small and had sparkly earrings on. You apparently need many more earring selections when you have short hair, btw. So I bought some. Heh. Anyway, felt snazzy. I had one glass of wine, four glasses of water, and a plain green salad w/vinaigrette that I dipped my fork into (versus pouring on the salad).

Came home. DH was making steaks. I had Swiss Chard w/ onions and garlic with olive oil PAM as the saute device. Also discovered jarred jalapeno peppers to toss in there - for spice. YUM. And about 5 ounces of delicious steak from the grass fed cow that we bought with DH's brother. Steak was so lovely. Greens were lovely. Drank more water.

So now I feel totally full, AS IF I HAD OVER EATEN. I'll bet I had no more than about 800 calories today. And I feel hog a licious. What is that? Honestly, I am the gal who could put away an entire prepared box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and a hotdog or two (think 1500 cals) in ONE SITTING.

Tomorrow: Uses for leftover steak. I am thinking thinly sliced and put into some mexican flavored something. I could make pretend fajitas and use lettuce leaves for the wrapping.

I'm still surprised I feel that I overate. Perhaps I ate something like a cake or something and did not know it? Am I the Sybil of Dieting?

Inspiration

Today I read Kelly's blog "Run Kelly Run." I was a blubbering emotional mess by the end of it. It was so incredibly helpful to read her thoughts about deciding to run and then running. Really really doing it. And she's not one of those perfectly skinny "OMG let's just run 100 miles for fun" sort of women with whom I (at least at this point) have nothing in common. So, it started me thinking: Perhaps I need to Move My Large Ass.

I should talk a little bit about my life/job/family here. I work full time, for myself, but as freedom giving as this sounds, it's not. Having your own business is expensive. There is No Net. If you don't keep moving at work, you will stop having business and then you will starve. Darling Husband is an artist and is going back to University to finish a teaching degree. There's no other source of income at this point. I worry about how on earth I am going to find a way to work in exercise, with DB's ballet work (he goes 10 - 12 hours per week) and the practice and Husband's hurt back (yesterday, shoveling snow, and now he can't drive) and and and. Where can I fit in that kind of time for myself? Honestly, I tend to want to READ if I'm taking time for myself, not exercise. Also, it feels really really selfish to take the time.

Part of this is tied up in where I put my energy and get my rewards. Like my mother, I have made my career a huge focus and giant source of self esteem. Don't get me wrong. My work is hard. It's a specialty area and I'm good at it. And I like getting self esteem units in any format. But my sense of being just a fat horse pulling a heavy wagon, with no other input, that is just not healthy.

Unlike my mother, I also get huge esteem and have big focus on my little family. Mother really didn't seem to like being a mother, but she taught me some important lessons (bag home ec class and take chemistry) and I am grateful to her for that. I know I am a much better mother than she was. I can say that without any hesitation. She never had any fun, never too much time for herself except for working. That's what being born in the 20's will do for ya.

Anyway, it has been growing on me for some time that I have really become a one or two trick pony (to keep our horse metaphor going) and that in the process, I have bored myself (and likely others) to tears. When I was a teenager (in the pre-cambrian era), I wasn't like that. I was quite social and played four instruments and acted in plays and was drivesified in character. I miss that aspect of myself. There's no going back to high school (thanking god for that) but it is time to diversify my psychological portfolio (especially since my financial one can be depressing).

I think that's where this blog comes in. I think that's where Kelly's inspiration comes in. I think that's why I've been playing with wool. And wanting to paint, which is hysterical, because I have no artistic talent, WHATSOEVER. Honestly, I cannot draw a straight line. And thinking about exercise. Exercise time that is just for me. Exercise time that I like. In grad school I did Jazzercise. I loved it. That was what helped me lose quite a bit of weight. I was about 125 pounds. I was really really physically healthy. I loved it so much, I used to get a discount on classes because I worked as the person who checked people in. But that was twenty-five years ago. And I cannot wrap my head around liking anything remotely associated with cardiovascular stuff, for all kinds of reasons, including the ones I've talked about here.

However these thoughts may be related to all these weird dreams I keep having. Monday night, it was that the house was burning down around me. Last night, the tornado dreams returned.

I think it was Karl Jung who said that the house is the symbol of the self. If that's the case, then something really is afoot.

Oh and Good Scale read 202.8 this morning. I'm back into reasonable territory again.

Inspiration

Today I read Kelly's blog "Run Kelly Run." I was a blubbering emotional mess by the end of it. It was so incredibly helpful to read her thoughts about deciding to run and then running. Really really doing it. And she's not one of those perfectly skinny "OMG let's just run 100 miles for fun" sort of women with whom I (at least at this point) have nothing in common. So, it started me thinking: Perhaps I need to Move My Large Ass.

I should talk a little bit about my life/job/family here. I work full time, for myself, but as freedom giving as this sounds, it's not. Having your own business is expensive. There is No Net. If you don't keep moving at work, you will stop having business and then you will starve. Darling Husband is an artist and is going back to University to finish a teaching degree. There's no other source of income at this point. I worry about how on earth I am going to find a way to work in exercise, with DB's ballet work (he goes 10 - 12 hours per week) and the practice and Husband's hurt back (yesterday, shoveling snow, and now he can't drive) and and and. Where can I fit in that kind of time for myself? Honestly, I tend to want to READ if I'm taking time for myself, not exercise. Also, it feels really really selfish to take the time.

Part of this is tied up in where I put my energy and get my rewards. Like my mother, I have made my career a huge focus and giant source of self esteem. Don't get me wrong. My work is hard. It's a specialty area and I'm good at it. And I like getting self esteem units in any format. But my sense of being just a fat horse pulling a heavy wagon, with no other input, that is just not healthy.

Unlike my mother, I also get huge esteem and have big focus on my little family. Mother really didn't seem to like being a mother, but she taught me some important lessons (bag home ec class and take chemistry) and I am grateful to her for that. I know I am a much better mother than she was. I can say that without any hesitation. She never had any fun, never too much time for herself except for working. That's what being born in the 20's will do for ya.

Anyway, it has been growing on me for some time that I have really become a one or two trick pony (to keep our horse metaphor going) and that in the process, I have bored myself (and likely others) to tears. When I was a teenager (in the pre-cambrian era), I wasn't like that. I was quite social and played four instruments and acted in plays and was drivesified in character. I miss that aspect of myself. There's no going back to high school (thanking god for that) but it is time to diversify my psychological portfolio (especially since my financial one can be depressing).

I think that's where this blog comes in. I think that's where Kelly's inspiration comes in. I think that's why I've been playing with wool. And wanting to paint, which is hysterical, because I have no artistic talent, WHATSOEVER. Honestly, I cannot draw a straight line. And thinking about exercise. Exercise time that is just for me. Exercise time that I like. In grad school I did Jazzercise. I loved it. That was what helped me lose quite a bit of weight. I was about 125 pounds. I was really really physically healthy. I loved it so much, I used to get a discount on classes because I worked as the person who checked people in. But that was twenty-five years ago. And I cannot wrap my head around liking anything remotely associated with cardiovascular stuff, for all kinds of reasons, including the ones I've talked about here.

However these thoughts may be related to all these weird dreams I keep having. Monday night, it was that the house was burning down around me. Last night, the tornado dreams returned.

I think it was Karl Jung who said that the house is the symbol of the self. If that's the case, then something really is afoot.

Oh and Good Scale read 202.8 this morning. I'm back into reasonable territory again.

Hair Cut

Well I did it. I chopped off my hair. I LOVE IT. This is a big deal because I worry that having short hair will make me look even fatter than I am now, but it didn't. Instead, it helps me look much less dowdy and my head feels lovely and light.

I tend to see symbolic meaning in everything. The last time I cut my hair off, I ended up losing a great deal of weight. Then I just let it grow, like an untended hedge. So today, for who knows what reason (ok, perhaps we do know) I said "just cut it the way you think it will look best" and voila. Shag/Pixie look. Perhaps I will keep this look all the way to my "after" pictures. Who knows?

Every day I realize that despite the drastic measure of this HCG diet, this truly is beginning - just beginning - to feel like a lifestyle. This way of thinking has to grow on you - like mold in the shower (sorry, no better analogy available). Slowly but steadily.

Went to Whole Foods again for the THIRD TIME IN A ROW! Eve, my favorite checker noticed my fab new short hairdo. So did the beautiful woman in the vitamin aisle. Go figure. Wore nifty felted scarf that I made myself (using this japanese technique involving silk and raw wool roving and lots of elbow grease) and I headed right to the greens aisle. This was because I ate my last bit of green in the fridge (asparagus) last night. So instead of heading to a fast food joint because I was starving, I went to WF, bought my greens, and came home and made delicious sea scallops on the old George Foreman, then wilted my greens (I only love warm food - unless it's ice cream and I really don't love ice cream) and ate a healthy lunch ON PROGRAM.

Today I didn't feel as weird in Whole Foods. I didn't feel like I was the "token fat girl" or anything like that. I didn't even feel self conscious buying greens - like the fat woman who is obviously on a diet. Nothing. Instead, I felt my deliciously light head, peered out at the lovely snow falling, thought about my 4 PM client and had a sense of contentment.

Yay.

The Scare

I got a call from the school today. Darling Boy fell off the top of the ten foot slide at his school. He was sliding on the edge of the slide and some other kid slid right behind him and he took a flying superman fall onto his chest at school. I was in a session and got the call about a half hour later. Flew to the school. He had ringing ears, nausea, and a headache. This means head injury. Called Dr. Lou the old time pediatrician we see, thinking he'd say "well bring him in" or "watch him." Instead, Lou said "get him to the emergency room."

Heart pounding, went to Children's Hospital ER. They felt the back of his neck. He said "ow." They put him in a C Collar. Flat on his back. My heart rate went up a bit. Darling Husband was in class. Posted my situation on Facebook - why I don't know - and Hilarious Pastor shows up spontaneously at hospital to hold my hand and promise he will give me wine as soon as I am off this low carb diet.

In the end, the verdict was Concussion. Darling Boy cannot do any ballet (did I already say he dances about ten hours a week in the academy of the very good professional ballet in our city?) and can't leap about and can't run and so forth for a week. We need to continue to watch him the rest of the night.

DBoy seems fine. Indeed he was flirting with the really hot blonde MD who looked at him today. Afterward, he got the "You Terrified Me and Promise You Will Never Ever Again Fuck Around On the Swing at That School Where No One Watches the Kids on the Playground" lecture.

I have only eaten 4 oz of chicken and asparagus so far today.

So I'm getting out the George Foreman and doing a low fat burger. I would like to substitute my two apple carb portions today for some wine. The Pastor encouraged it. He even said he'd get the wine.

Husband also encourages it.

We will see.

The whole thing reminded me about what is important and what is not. Hug your kids tonight my lovelies. Kiss them on their non-concussed heads.

A GAIN!

Well, I knew that I needed to expect it. If I drank wine on Friday night, and then ATE A PIECE OF PIE on Saturday night (HP's birthday) then it was bound to happen. 206.4. Dammit. I also had to skip an HCG shot and forgot my drops on the trip. I did not even do the scale dance, I was so bummed.

However, there were small victories today: 1) I stayed on program except for a spoonful of Oh My God Delicious Plain Greek Yogurt in my otherwise extremely spicy chicken curry soup I had for dinner. 2) I walked by the place where the old Christmas Candy was and discovered THREE unopened cans of Almond Rocca (sp). I swear those three pink cans were like Sirens and I was like Fat Jason and the Argonauts, except that there was no one to tie my hands to the mast. I opened the gold plastic lids of all three cans. Each one was still vacuum sealed. Somehow, I tore myself away and instead ate strawberries with some Swerve on them.

I had a mild headache this morning and the Boys went skiing, which I knew better than to do at this point. So I skipped church and laid in bed. Then I turned on my favorite Agatha Christy books on tape/Ipod and indulged in my new favorite thing, making beautiful wool scarves using raw wool roving and silk and water and soap. And bubble wrap. It's easy to do, it takes time, and the results are a gorgeous felted scarf. This was my second endeavor and it was lovely.

I used to simply sit at the computer or television and just eat, first sweet, then salty, then sweet again, with my mind all numbed out. Trying to stay away from screens, (except to talk to you guys), I think will continue to be a good health move.

Tomorrow, must get Darling Husband to move the treadmill BACK inside the house, where he stole it to the garage. He likes walking in the cold. My asthma will never let me do that. Plus it is often very smoggy where we live and again, asthma will make the entire walk on treadmill endeavor just worthless.

Time for sleeping. Time to put Darling Boy to bed. Time to drink a lot more water, just in case there is a miracle and tomorrow morning the Good Scale will allow me to be in the 202 range again. OK I know it's not likely. I must pay for my recent sinful eating. Heh. But it WAS lovely.

Flirted With?

I am not sure but I think I was flirted with by a man who was not my husband. OK so BA and I went to this fabulous restaurant in Sacrenento last night. It was a difficult eating day in that I had two poached eggs plus an egg white for breakfast and then at three we ate lunch at the Crocker Museum (which was pretty wonderful ) in the form of began celery soup and spinach salad. Theen we went to this frenzy restaurant for dinner. So eating anything at that point put me over the 500 calorie limit. And I knew it and so was just trying not to say "oh fuck it." So I ordered this amazing italian seafood stew. Now. I make a wickedly good cioppino myself but this really knocked my socks off. So, being me and all, I chatted up the chef when he stopped by our table. This chef has been all over the world including a zillion places in France (my favorite.country) and so on. We chatted about trying to get crab or syrup shells to boil for the base of stews like this, and he kept stopping by our table to talk. He told me that I obviously was a great cook etc etc and then he gave me his card and encouraged me to contact him with cooking questions. BA noticed flirtage. I wondered if I was simply feeling the deeeeicious glass of California Charddonney I was drinking. This made mme sit back and think: twelve pounds is a lot of weight but its still in the "drop in the bucket" category. Clearly I was the one feeling more attractive. My size 18 jeans were falling off. I had makeup on. My bra was tightened as far as it could be tightened. And I had on a low cut shirt. Pretty is as pretty does... or feels I suppose.

On the Road Again

So my BA and I are headed to the airport again for another trip for my work. Suffice it to say that I really do NOT want to bring the Stupid Travel Scale because it can't make up its mind about whether it is my friend or not.

Travelling on this program is difficult. Part of me wants to pack the George Foreman Grill and cook on top of the TV in the hotel. But I won't. But I will try to be just as reasonable as possible on the trip and if BA sees me with that wild look in my eye, I've instructed her to tie me to a chair.

We're headed to northern California, which is WINE COUNTRY again dammit. I am allowed an apple on this diet. Actually two apples! I wonder if I can trade in those carbs for a glass O' wine.

Packing apples in the carry on bag this time which might help both alleviate hunger and help me to avoid those Biscotti Cookies that Delta has. Also packing own water. Their child's tea set sized cups are just ridiculous. Must remember to get trashy magazines that will lower IQ while on plane.

The Good Scale read 202.4 today. Thanking God and The George Foreman today.

Surrender Dorothy

First of all, the Good Scale told me 204.0 this morning. CS was right about small plateaus and then drops. Next of all, I only started the injections this morning. So I can hope for this continued brisk loss pace to continue, hopefully, for the next ten pounds.

This is a very low calorie diet that was used in Italy in the 1970s at one of those expensive fat farm resorts. The physician who discovered it found that the use of this hormone (HCG) tended to create rapid weight loss with decreased hunger in very low calorie diets. Like 500 calories per day. The theory is that the HCG allows stored reserves of fat to be metabolized more easily such that the person feels less hunger than they might because they are easily and readily burning fat reserves that are on board.

This may be a Total Bunch of Bull. However, I have lost eleven pounds in nine days. Clearly some of this is water. The weird thing is that this diet not only limits you to 500 calories per day, it also limits the kinds of things you can eat to make those calories. I was not a believer until I went off program last week when we were in Oregon and my choices (especially in terms of food preparation) were more limited. And I had a small gain and I had a two day plateau. It is hard for someone like me to understand why an apple is OK but a pear is not. Why Swiss Chard is lovely but mushrooms are not OK. My brain is always spinning and working and being a curious AND cynical sort of person, it drives me nuts not to understand these things.

However, I believe that I must surrender to this process and stop asking so many questions about it and stop turning things over and over in my head and just roll with it.

And indeed, I have been hunting down HCG recipes that work and OH MY GOD I found a killer one last night. So good that I am going to make it again (in larger quantities) for my family. Darling Boy asked for a bite of what I was having and then hooted "MAKE THIS FOR EVERYONE MOM!"

So, I thought I'd share it with you all: Thai Chicken Lettuce Wraps

* 4 oz chicken (shredded or ground - I just cut mine into wee pieces)
* two tablespoons minced onion (I used more. I love onion)
* minced garlic - to taste (Use tons. Life is wonderful because Garlic is in it.)
* 1 minced serrano or jalapeno pepper (I used serrano)
* 2 tablespoons minced celery
* minced ginger root. If you don't have ginger root just put in a pinch of dry ginger
* 1 cup savoy cabbage (it's the kind that looks like wrinkled paper. Not stinky at all)
* 1/4 to 1/2 cup chicken broth
* juice of a lime or half a lemon
* cilantro - OMG Can I just take a moment to say bow much I love fresh cilantro? Chop it up.

Get out the wok or a big ol' skillet. Chop the chicken into wee bits. Brown it and then add onion garlic, ginger and celery. Cook for about 5 minutes or les. Add the pepper, and cabbage and broth. I laid the cabbage leaves sortof over the mixture and let the leaves steam. When the leaves get slightly wilted, fish them out. Add cilantro and lemon juice and cook another couple of minutes. Then serve this mixture on the cabbage leaves, which make these pretty little rolls. People will think you are a genius. And it's only 245 calories for the whole thing.

SMW is having a party for her darling husband, the Hilarious Pastor, on Saturday. It's his birthday. I am travelling again from Thurs through Sat afternoon for work. If I'm not just blasted tired, I think I'll make these in large quantity to bring to the party, so I have something I KNOW I can eat. I just have to not eat tooo many of them. My wee recipe made about four cabbage leaf roll thingies, btw.

I surrender slowly, but it's 9 days in and I haven't said "oh fuck it" just yet.

And that's something, isn't it?

The Decision

OK. I made a decision. I went to see my regular family physician Dr. C. I told her about my worries with the "homeopathic hcg" and she said "Come in to see me. I have a 5:45 appointment available." (What is it with things just being available when I really need them these days?) When I went in I was shocked. Dr. C had lost forty five pounds. She did it with the injectable "real hcg" - the kind you have to have a prescription for. She was very reassuring and I decided to change tactics and do the injectable hcg even though it will be a figurative and literal pain on the ass.

So. I am sitting here at the pharmacy awaiting my injectable stuff. DH will have to do the honors. BA said she will do it when we leave town again for work this Thursday. I feel relieved and then weirdly guilty. And no this was not because the scale didn't move this morong. I have been harboring doubts and I figure that if I feel that way it makes staying on program doubly hard. Dr. T said as much when I really questioned homeopathy.

At this point, my only question is if I now have to start all over with the fat loading days and so forth. I hope not. I suppose i'll just have to see how it goes.

It will be interesting to see if my loss numbers show a rate of change difference. But at least I will have confidence in the procedure I'm using. This is the procedure that I used two years ago when I lost so much weight and kept it off. Then dad died and then mother died and that was that. It is weird how you know you are putting weight back on but you somehow either cannot or will not do anything to stop the freefall. Well there's no place left to go but up.... or should I say DOWN from here.

My First No Loss Morning

Well I hit a wall. Good Scale cheerfully told me that I am still at 206.2 this morning. I did an extra vigorous scale dance but to no avail. Then I thought - perhaps it's because I used tomato paste (25 cal) in my "chili" last night. But when I put on clothes this morning, they did not seem as tight. So I soldier on.

So I did make an HCG version of chili for dinner. Took the leanest ground meat I could find, gave self 5 oz versus 4 oz. Put in canned tomatoes and tomato paste (for about 50 cals total) and requisite spices and onions and garlic and was in Chili Heaven. And ate my sad little wasa bread thingie as my "grain" of the day. While you can have fruit and veggies on this diet, there is NO BREAD. I started to whine to myself about that until I realized I have a friend (Sexy Minister's Wife SMW) who is gluten intolerant and her whole life is about not having wheat. So I chastised myself as a Huge Whiner and moved on.

Today: lovely scallops on the trusty George Foreman Grill, with saute spinach and grilled pear. YUM. This eating plan makes you totally get your five servings of fruit/veg a day. Indeed, if I just did that forever, perhaps the rest would fall into place! Or fall off my ass, so to speak.

Went back to Whole Foods yesterday. This time, I felt somewhat less like I did not fit in. Cashier remembered me. Lovely woman, Eve - looks about 60 but teeny and with red hair. Vibrant. Will make the post church Whole Foods thing a routine I think. Because I'm sick of spinach, I bought Swiss Chard (which I like) and Kale. The Kale looks precisely like the tough skin of a dinosaur. How to make it?

The other thing that seems to be working is coming home for lunch every day. I have missed the socialization time with friends, but I think I might save money in the end and clearly I can have control over how things are prepared. And I get to blog. And I get to play solitaire. And I get to not work/return phone calls while I stuff a burger and fries into myself at work.

I have found the HCG Diet page on Facebook. There is a list of recipes (besides chili) I am going to try. I think tonight is Asian Night for me. It's only been seven days on this thing. They say that if you go 21 days, you make a habit of stuff. Whew. Fourteen more to go, in that case. But actually, I am wanting to do this diet for a total of at least 28 days. If I am Super Woman, I would go six weeks but we'll see how I make it. This is not easy. And if that stupid scale doesn't budge tomorrow, I'm gonna be having a Come to Jesus Meeting with Dr. Todd.

Scale Addiction

Well I'm back from the trip to Oregon. It was wet.

The Travel Scale took on the personality of a friend who isn't really your friend at all. First of all, I followed program religiously and it said I gained two pounds. Then I would get on and off of it and it changed its mind about me every time. Stupid Travel Scale.

Travelling on this restricted diet is really really hard. I slipped with wine (but it was Oregon! It was Willamette Valley! It was wine!) but that's pretty much it. When I got home, the Good Scale gave me a little weight loss as my prize.

I am not sure about this HCG stuff. I'm not sure if what I have is a bunch of mumbo jumbo or not. But I am sure of one thing. I have done a couple of hard things in my life (graduate school, step parenting, anxiety) and I decided that I am not going to be victim to this fat. Fuck that. I feel like it holds me hostage or something. And that's pretty weird because unless I am completely wrong, this is under my control.

Well, perhaps not entirely in my control. I am aware that Big Agriculture is just like Big Pharma and Big Banking and Big Tobacco. They do not act in my or your best interest. Indeed, I know as well as anyone that salt and sugar and fat tell the brain to go in to that delicious orgasmic state that you get when you eat a really fabulous donut. I know that fast food joints are interested in you coming back to their restaurant and not really interested in you being healthy. California apparently has a new law that they have to put the Actual Calorie Count next to every single fast food item. There is a mexican pseudo fast food place in my state that is based in California. Before I started this diet, I went into that restaurant and I looked at the new labels that listed the calories of the things that I thought were healthy. I learned that every single plate was 1000 calories or more. The skinniest thing, the "Healthmex Burrito" was 500 calories. Fish tacos, the salads, they all were 1000 calorie plates.

Armed with this, I have started reading labels. How come everything has "high fructose corn syrup" in it? Because the corn industry is king in this country I guess. I'm not eating that crap anymore. No one can make me.

But dammit. Those cognitive habits have been laid down early and will take many many runs, including this one, to re-wire. (You'd think I'd know this).

In any event, my brain that never seems to stop has become fixated on the scale as evidence I am "doing this right." My sister who reads this blog Curious Sister (CS) reminded me that if you eat something salty or don't go to the bathroom, um, all the way - it's a pound. And that I need to chill out.

Still, the "good" (read: Non Travel Scale) scale knows I hop on it time and time again. Perhaps they need to make a scale that says "What are you doing back here again?" and "Getting on me over and over will not change the fact that you are fat." Except that even the Good Scale keeps giving me different readings when I step on it. Not as bad as the Bad Travel Scale, but still... and so I hop on and off. I hold my arms above my head, then hop off. Then hop on and put them to my sides. Then I put them in the form of a prayer, as if that will somehow make the scale magically say "Congratulations! You can throw away those size 18 pants and looky! Here are some sexy size 8's!"

Perhaps I am an impatient person. But maybe that's unfair too. I did stick with things like this marriage, parenthood, grad school, my practice, most of my friends, and so forth. Perhaps I need to just watch this process unfold.

The scale btw read 206.2 this morning. I'll take it.

A Post from the Road

OK so I am writing this from the touchpad on my cell phone. Travelling for work and am in Oregon in a mid priced hotel. I managed to stay pretty close to program including not being able to finish my overpriced six ounce steak from the ever disappointing Outback Steakhouse. The waitress was in full on crack pusher mode what with her suggestions of cake and chocolate shake desserty things. BA (Beloved Assistant ) told her to get back to the high calorie hell from whence she came. I felt disgustingly full. And all I ate was salad w no dressing and broccoli and four oz of steak and one heavenly bite.of bread. I had literally prayed for help going in there because I was ravenous and god must have delivered because im still full. Go figure. Being on the road is hard because I can't stick to my routine. Thank goodness for BA. Now to watch cheesy tv and prep for tomorrow! XOXO TO ALL.OF YOU!!
@

Weepy, Sneezy, Hungry and all of the other Dwarves

Had a dream about Dad last night. He looked so sad, but he sat with me and held my hand. It was one of those weird dreams where I woke up and believed that he had not died - just for a moment anyway. Wept to BA (Beloved Assistant) and FS (Fabulous Student) in my office this morning. Made it through an interview, then wept to Dr. T some more. Worried that homeopathic hcg is all a bunch of bogus shit, worried that this won't work for me, worried worried worried and sad. This is new for me because the past few months, I have worked well on being anxious and the sadness had passed.

So why all of these intense emotions now? Does losing weight make you feel emotional? Do we store more things in fat cells besides hormones and those nebulous things others call "toxins?" Perhaps all of the emotional intensity of the years 2008 to January 2010 are also leaking out into my blood stream, crossing the blood/brain barrier and wham - into my psychological state?

Weight was 208.4 this morning. My Western Medicine Mind rejects homeopathy and even the idea that feelings get stored somehow in the body. I want a chart and a graph and a test dammit.

I suppose that the weight loss is the test of this whole thing. And the blog is the medical chart of my psychological state. That will have to be comfort enough.

The Photograph

A couple of days ago, when I started this weight loss journey, I did something I have never done before. I took what I hope will be a "before" photograph. Wearing the B.W.G.Panties, of course. Wow, it was really a humiliating yet refreshing experience. I just never look at myself - what with getting up, attempting to apply makeup, driving Darling Husband and the Boy to their schools (DH has returned to college, The Boy is in Elementary school) and making it to work by nine.

I look in the face mirror of course, and then the glance in the Big Mirror in the Hall for the "is there toilet paper sticking to my shoe? Have I tucked my skirt into my panty hose?" but never a full on picture like that.

I can't look at it much. But I did it.

The other thing that's different is that I went to Dr. T, whom I see every single day in our small building. In times past when I was on a weight loss kick, I avoided letting anyone really know about it, especially at work, because then when I invariably fell off the diet, they would "know" and then I'd feel pressured.

So, two things different than times in the past: Pictures and Dr. T.

Plus, the substance abuse literature says that the more times a person attempts rehabilitation, the better their outcomes for success in the long term. If you think about that literature in terms of other habit change, it might very well apply to weight loss and eating habits. I suppose then that practice makes perfect. Or at least thinner.

But I still can't really bring myself to look at those pictures.


Oh and by the way - this mornings weight was 210.6. Go figure. That's about five pounds. Of course it's all water as I was the High Priestess of the Bathroom all day and evening yesterday. But hey, I'll take it.

James Brown Live - Get up offa that thing

Eat a Damn Piece of Fruit. Just Eat It.

OK so check this out. The Fat Gorge Day yesterday was just gross. It was hard to do, which was weird. Ate pizza AND chicken wings for dinner, with apple juice. Today, 214.4. And feeling gross. So, since I don't have to be to work until 1:30 I went to the Whole Foods and shopped.

I always feel awkward in Whole Foods. This store is populated with people who LIKE vegetables and fruit. They really like it. They also like to do things like "run" and "bike" and "ski"... FOR FUN. The women have no makeup on and they look good. Like they just ran up a mountain and then came in for a tofu and watercress salad. I like to wear make-up. In the 1970's I put hot rollers in my hair Every. Single. Day. I want to be all nifty and natural, but then I can't stand it and want eyeliner.

And I hate fruits and vegetables. Honestly I really do. I have a host of food allergies. As a child I could not have citrus. I went to an allergist who said, after letting me in on the list of allergies I knew I had (all fur, all dust, all weeds, grasses and trees - I am not kidding), I also have allergies to raw broccoli, raw cauliflower, raw carrots, walnuts, avocado, and all melons. Well no wonder I don't like plant foods! If I cook the veggies, then it somehow makes the food not allergic anymore.

I have never craved a piece of fruit. Ever. Never Ever. I like MEAT. And some bread. But mostly meat and cheese. Maybe I am from another planet.

So, this morning, my breakfast is apples and strawberries. I tried to eat the grapefruit that Darling Husband (DH) brought home in a big bag from the store last week - but they were totally weird and gross. So it's strawberries and apples for me.

Good news. I found a sugar substitute that doesn't taste like metal and chemicals. It's called "Swerve." I don't know what it is, but I dipped the strawberry into it and actually enjoyed the berry. No calories in Swerve. Perhaps they lace it with cocaine or something. I bought organic chicken breast (Dr. T likes things to be organic) and some raw spinach and butter lettuce and some swiss chard. I bought a food scale.

And I bought a travel scale. I gave in. I will put the damn thing in my carry on when I travel for work later this week. Beloved Assistant (BA) who also has her own struggles with weight will be travelling with me. BA is one of my closest friends and is more like a sister. A really nice sister. She will provide support and encouragement on the trip.

Can you believe I bought a travel scale? I went into Bed Bath and Beyond and said "OK, if they have one of those stupid scales I'll get one, but if they don't then I'm bagging it." I literally ran into the display of travel scales. Maybe someone upstairs wants me to lose weight.

So today, I drank water, bought necessary dietary accouterments, ATE FRUIT (alert the media) and blogged here. I have started reading other people's blogs and have gotten inspired. One lovely woman talks about running ten miles. My first thought was the sense of my large boobs, flying all over the place and my asthma killing me, such that I'm a wheezing pile of lard at the side of the road and then the paramedics come and then the papers cover it because it's a slow news day and my pathetic self is displayed for all to see. Ten miles. If I ever run ten miles, at one time (not 20 feet a day for a hundred days) then I'm taking myself to Paris.

Right now, I'm just happy that I was able to eat a damn piece of fruit. For lunch, maybe I'll throw in a damn veggie.

HCG - Is This Lunacy?

I have started the HCG diet. This is something I did before and it worked very very well, but then dad died in the middle of it and I've totally blocked it out. This time, no injections but instead a "homeopathic" version of the HCG. I am instantly worried that it will not be effective. Of course, I am instantly worried when the wind blows or if you change the channel, being an anxious sort of person. As it is, I'm game.

Step one: You have to eat like a hog for two days. So, as I only discovered this yesterday afternoon, I made decadent Eggplant Almond Enchiladas that are filled with cheese and then covered in cheese. Plus some cheese. And then more cheese. And I had two beers. If you knew me, you would know that I don't drink much alcohol let alone beer. After church today the pastor and his wife and Darling Husband and Good Friend C. and I all went to brunch where they had bloody marys (too damn spicy, can I just say that?) and I ate eggs benedict. Tasted good but Ugh. Too much fat in two days (and given that I love fat almost as much as air and water, this is saying something).

However, I have a wicked sinus headache so maybe that put a dent in my typical delight in eggs benedict - usually I have the urge to just roll around on the plate in a ecstatic state.

But I'm here again blogging because somehow it seems that it will keep me honest.

The HCG drops just taste nasty. I am wondering how this will work itself out. I'm supposed to travel for work later this week - how to do the strict diet and be out of town? Dr. T's "Guide to the HGC Diet" tells me to pack a "travel scale." WTF? I am NOT packing a travel scale. What IS a travel scale? I'm just gonna have to trust to the diet and self. Travel scale. Who thinks of these things? Skinny women who travel for business? Of course, perhaps the reason they are skinny is because they pack things like travel scales.

Maybe I'll go on the internet and see what travel scales look like. Or maybe I'll watch football and take a nap.

Fruit of the Loom

I have known that I needed to lose weight for quite some time now. I was on my way - had started a diet and was going strong when my Dad died and I got sad and forgot about all diets and gained forty pounds. However, it was in preparation for a New Year's Eve party when I found myself digging in my drawer for my "comfy panties" that I had a sort of awakening. The party was going to have nifty hors d'oeuvres, which meant that I found the stretchy pants and the long sweater to go over said pants. I have gotten so heavy that my panties were too tight. So I purchased Hanes and Fruit of the Loom large cotton panties because they were so comfy. The Hanes are not nearly as comfy as the FOTL. I was digging in my dresser because I had to find the FOTL panties. I noticed that when I could not find them, I was bummed. BUMMED ABOUT PANTIES which of course is just sick and sad and pathetic and wrong.

I took myself in hand. It is time to lose weight. I plan to do something creative with all of the large panties, once I am out of them. Perhaps a sail to put on the boat. Perhaps a parachute for the dog. Maybe a quilt for some kind of Large Panty Perv. Something.

In my office building is a naturopathic physician. Dr. T. I call him "T" because we practice near each other. Dr. T is like fifty five and hot. So is his lovely and sweet and normal wife. I went in and said "T., I am just too damn fat." He took pity on me. He made an appointment for me to see him Saturday. Yes, he will see me on a Saturday because he is like that.

However, he made me go to get my Body Mass Index done. He apparently does not have the equipment to do this, but some chiropractor he knows does. I go to said chiropractor, who looked about twelve. He attached some electrodes to me and then punched some numbers into a computer and then he clucked a bit (but not in a mean way) and let me know that I have the body composition of a Butterball Turkey. Or a really nice eclair. I am FORTY FIVE PERCENT FAT! This, of course was horrifying, but also kind of strangely amazing. This means that I can essentially lose something the equivalent of a fifth grader off of my body. Oh, and my weight. It is 215 pounds. I think there are football players lighter than me.

So, chin up, stand up straight, square shoulders, deep breath. I can do this. People do this every day. Wish me luck.